so another chapter comes to an end and a new one begins. I�m a lot more excited about the new one...
in general i spend too much time envisioning how something is going to pan out. it certainly has its place, but i tend to overdo it. things often go different than you imagined and the planning you did just goes out the window. quiting my job was easier and not as emotionally taxing as i envisioned.
it still hasn�t fully sunk in. but its starting to. the past 2.5 yrs have been hard, and I�m glad i�m closing this chapter of my life. altho, i did learn and change a lot during this period. i started as a less confident person, obsessed with solving the questions i had about Christianity, and had kind of accepted engineering as my plight in life, due to a bad neck that would not let me play guitar like i wanted to. so in a way maybe it was good my job was so unpleasant for me. it kicked me out of the comfortably numb state i was living in. i can still remember that moment when i was wasting the 1 hr of free time i had watching some sitcom, doing nothing to prevent the downward spiral that was occurring. and then a voice from inside me said �just stop�, and i turned off the tv. i decided i wasn�t going to watch tv anymore or preoccupy my mind w/ any other sort of entertainment. i was going to just stop. and thats what i did. eventually my mind became less chaotic and i was able to do things like reason out how i didn�t believe God damned those that weren�t born into Christianity. i started to see that i was very much to blame for my medical and mental condition. it was quite the relief to no longer feel called to save most of humanity from the fires of hell. then i was able to direct most of my energy and focus on making my life better. and i feel better being where i�m at now than i have in a long time. altho life is a little more scary and dramatic/sad at times. i lost a lot of the security and comfort that went along w/ buying into Christainity 100%. i still have faith that God is good, but our specific future as humans is much more unclear to me than before. But like Kurt Cobain said �truth [is] covered in security�. I think if we are to find truth we need to look at the world and let it speak to us, without preconceived ideas, without trying to fit everything into the worldview we were born with.
7:58 p.m. - 2006-06-04
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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