I’m still here. Things have been very difficult lately. The past 10 years I had a hungry appetite for self-help books. Its as if part of me knew s*#t was about to go down and I would need all the help I could get.
If I still have any readers, they probably get tired of me saying this but, I have trouble writing in here because my problems have become so focused around family problems that I don’t want to divulge on the internet.
I’m all over the place lately. One minute crying watching a nick vujicic video on you tube, and thinking I’ve found what I’ve lost and that I’ve come out of my funk. And then sinking back down and then fighting out, and then sinking down.
I had my hopes up really high on a girl and thought things were going really well. And then it crashed and burned. We’re at least still friends but that hurt. I’ve come to the point lately where I recognize I’m not really well enough to date. Unless the girl was a saint. But that’s not the type of girls I seem to be meeting. Everybody wants something. What can ‘you’ do for ‘me’? and I’m the same way. I don’t want to be that way. Its empty and fading. I want to give. Somehow giving isn’t empty and somehow it lasts. A purpose bigger than yourself somehow isn’t empty and somehow it lasts.
But when you’re 32 and single you start to feel like you have to go after the things you want with more desperation. And it just makes matters worse.
FYI - I got to shake David Bazan’s hand (formerly Pedro the Lion). It was at one of his living room concerts. I told him ‘I really appreciate your honesty.’ The concert was great but the new records of him mourning the loss of his faith hit too close to home and I can’t even listen to them. I like them but they make me too depressed.
There are times when I’ve never felt so defeated. But then I regroup until I feel that way again. But maybe that’s just how it goes. Maybe that’s when you build real character? Or is that when you’re supposed to go on meds? Ain’t a pill in this world that can fix a broken heart. Ain’t a pill in the world that can replace what I’ve lost. I think I’ve got to face this head on, which is what I’ve been doing.
Its so easy to get depressed about the status of things. Not with just my life but with the world too. But I guess its just that much more needed to have people rising above it making things better. But sometimes it feels like a gnat’s fart in a hurricane. And sometimes it doesn’t. on the small scale it doesn’t, but sometimes on the global scale it does. Maybe I should stop listening to the news?
8:55 p.m. - 2013-09-20
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
kenny-loo
bliss-sad
duplicitous
lost-facade
realthoughts
perceptions