so i just got settled into my new apartment. i ended up rooming with one of my friends from my previous job. even tho i have much less space then i did in my old apartment i am liking things so far. i know we are in the honeymoon stage of the roommate relationship but i am really enjoying having a roommate again. i was getting pretty lonely.
i have to say that this move made my career change really start to set in, and it made me feel happy and a little different than i normally feel. i've felt strange lately. maybe its because of all the big changes in the past 2 yrs. growing up i always thought i was going to be an engineer. i was never really all that excited about it, i just felt it was how things were. also, i never in a million years dreamed i would no longer buy into mainstream Christianity. so i feel like i'm in uncharted territory and am a little amazed that the whole thing didn't just stop, like when you pass a level in a video game and it tallies up all your points. lately i've been asking myself the question "who are you" and have a vivid sense of being dumbfounded and in awe. i have no clue. maybe its because we tend to define ourselves by the groups we are part of and what it is that we do. but without that how do you answer the question "who are you"?
i've been having very vivid / important seeming dreams lately that are of two main varieties. Some seem to revolve around me being in some sort of apocalyptical battle where i am part of a minority fighting the majority who is in power. its not really a war in the traditional sense, because nobody dies, but it still feels like a war. the other dreams revolve around me saying goodbye to my middleschool/hs/early college crush (the only girl i've every fallen hard for). i feel more ashamed of this than perhaps anything else. it is a tragedy that so many years can go by w/ out me fully getting over her. but i can't deny it. my feelings are more intense in these dreams than they have been in real life for a long time. i have gone over and over in my mind for years how i did the right thing by turning her down when she came onto me when i was a college freshmen, and i do believe it was the right thing. i have gone over and over in my mind how she is only bad news for me and i have no reason to desire her. and only now do i feel like at my core i'm finally getting ready to say goodbye. in general these dreams have her there, kind of by herself, and i go up to her and we reminisce and talk about how things are going for us. i have the old feelings of wanting to persue her (which is really bad cuz she's married now) and they are fighting with logic and the reality that she is married now and i don't want anything to do with her anyway. if the dream gets that far i let her go just like an old friend should. but there's not much of a feeling of closure or release. it feels more like how you just accept something that stinks, like when a pet dies or something like that. at one point in the dream i wasn't near her but i felt the emotion inside of me building up until it burst and i fell to the floor and slid down the incline like water until i was out of the building (i think it was a school building).
i really want to move on from this. i had another dream previously where a different girl (created by my imagination) was helping me move. we started friends and then ended up a couple and it felt really good. finding a girl hadn't felt that desirable in a long time. it felt really good to have a partner that loved you and whom you could love back, and that would help you with whatever was going on in your life.
in a related event, there is a girl i know who i think likes me. we see eye to eye on a lot of things and she is a real neat girl but unfortunately i'm not physically attracted to her. i wish that part of me wasn't so picky. i've been trying to decide what to do but i've tried forcing it in the past and it didn't work well. as a general rule it seems that if its not natural its not a good idea. so i'll keep on being friends and who knows maybe i'll change.
i was at my hometown church not all that long ago (even tho i sort of vowed i would try my best not to go back). this time i'm glad i went. the service was led by the youth and i don't think they mentioned people going to hell for not believing in Jesus one time. ah to be young and Christian again. to be in love with God. sure there are drawbacks but they are mainly overpowered by the intensity of being in love with God. God is in his place and everything feels taken care of. the thing that stuck out to me the most was when they were singing some type of praise song that went into a duet. you could really feel their passion/love and it felt beautiful. thats what i've been missing (i haven't found that at the UU church). I miss worshiping God with other people. i wish someone would start a UU theist type of church so worshiping like that could happen for me in a church i could be a part of...
11:19 p.m. - 2006-08-30
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
kenny-loo
bliss-sad
duplicitous
lost-facade
realthoughts
perceptions