I go back and forth on whether I want to keep writing in here but I eventually get drawn back. If nothing else it makes me feel less alone and I trust helps some others in a similar way.
My last real entry was about 6 months ago. I can�t hope to remember all the stuff that�s happened since then but I�ll try to remember some highlights:
Met a girl at a bar. Talked with her for about 2 hrs, getting really deep at times. I was blown away that it was even happening. She was gorgeous. Her and her friend sat down next to me and my friend. I struck up a conversation and we hit it off. She lived about 1.5 hrs away but I didn�t let that stop me. We called and finally had a date. And then my suspicions were pretty well confirmed. As much as I wanted us to be right for each other, our personalities weren�t all that great of a match. The excitement and alcohol of the first meeting was no longer there, only the harsh reality of driving 3 hrs on a weeknight to see a girl who couldn�t seem to say much other than ask me questions. And no she wasn�t just nervous. She just had a kind of strange personality. But it was still an incredibly hard decision not to call her back. But it was an awful long drive to have 3 hrs of awkward conversation, regardless of how pretty she was. But it felt so good to have someone to call and make plans and to be nice to like that. The whole situation made me kind of sad. I felt both of us deserved someone good, but we just each had our own set of issues and didn�t really match up all that well. But it was great to realize that I was capable of meeting a beautiful stranger and could go out on a date with them without self destructing.
Went on a sort of date with another girl that my friends had kind of set me up with. Complete opposite problem. She had an awesome personality but I was just simply not attracted to her enough. So I stopped contacting her. Again. Sad situation. I wish we could have at least stayed friends but I think that would have been too awkward. Eventually we might be friends again due to our mutual friends�. I wish I wasn�t so picky with looks.
I got my first real paying composing job. It was for writing music for a local TV commercial. It was a really long commercial and I was fairly pleased with how I did. The people I made it for were pleased.
Despite my successes I�ve gotten quite depressed lately. The stress at my engineering job is starting to get to me again. And maybe being 30 is starting to hit me. Along with the catastrophes that have gone on with my family recently (although thank the Lord things are going a little bit better now). I thought about it a lot today and I think a big part of it is that I feel like there is important things to be done and what I spend most of my time doing (engineering work) is not important in the grand scheme of things. If I weren�t there someone else would do it. so what if I make products a little bit cheaper and better than they were before. That�s not where the big problems are. I / we have big problems that I would love to address but I am too busy putting out fires and rushing to meet arbitrary deadlines. I�ve tried my best not to be political in this diary but I may eventually unload. Things are crazy. I can�t believe how desperately things need improved. I may eventually try to work part time with some sort of non profit or start my own just because it feels like betrayal to do anything but address these awful problems staring us in the face.
On a positive note, I�ve gotten more social lately. I started singing open mic nights at a local caf� (which is a major thing for me considering how nervous I get). It has re-ignited my songwriting and has been a fun thing. I�ve also gotten back into juggling and joined a juggling club and went to my first juggling convention. It was so much fun. It makes me feel like a kid again. We�re a bunch of adults acting like kids. And people are super friendly. Everyone feels like your friend. You just start talking to people as if you already knew them. After a full day of that when I returned to my routine it dawned on me how much that type of friendliness is missing in our normal society. I think fun is also lacking as well.
Some people might think I�m too much of an idealist, but I think the world could be so much better than it is, and that we have the power to make it happen. The internet is perhaps the most revolutionary thing to happen to man and we are the generation of its birth. I think the Arab spring that facebook fueled is just the start. I think a level of equality is reachable now that never has been possible before. Granted it is a long way off and would be super difficult to get there, but its possible, and that�s exciting.
PS - if anyone can tell me how to fix my apostrophes so they are not question marks, I would really appreciate it.
8:50 p.m. - 2011-09-05
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
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