I know it probably seemed kind of strange to have such a big moment for me (previous girlfriend issue) written about so briefly. My thoughts could have filled a book I thought about it so much.
Turns out that I've had / am having a harder time dealing with the breakup than I thought I would. And have had / am having a harder time w/ depression than I've had in awhile. I've got a lot more skills at my disposal for combating depression and am using them as best I can and am managing but its still hard. I'm really hung up on the future and down about it. I can keep a handle on my negative thoughts fairly well but in the end I still just feel so blah. Just don't feel like doing anything. Having lots of doubts about my music career / going back to get a Doctorate and teach plan. Almost nothing seems appealing right now. I've been having good luck writing songs at least and may finally send them around to see if someone will buy them from me. I also have a new gig writing music for a local TV show but I can't even get excited about that. The depression goes and comes though. I work through it and get in a better mood but deep down I really am struggling with this lack of ambition thing. Sometimes I just feel like quiting. Just doing the absolute bare minimum. I know my family needs me. I know that I can be helpful to some of my friends. I would never abandon them and cause unthinkable grief but sometimes this bare minimum is all I want to do. The older you get the harder it becomes to pretend that everything is going ok and you're still going to be able to be the person you had always imagined. But you know what, its ok. That was just a fantasy a shallow facade. This is reality. It may not be pleasant, it may be sad as hell, but its real and it has depth. There is purpose here if I can rise to the occasion and not be defeated by it. It's a strange thing, the value of suffering. It's a strange thing that beauty and sadness seem to be related. Lately I've been working harder at maintaining my spiritual self (i.e. staying in good spirits). Meditating every day now. Praying more like I used to pray. Writing in my private journal again finally. I hope I am capable of dealing with everything that awaits me in this life. And I do have a lot of hope. I've had moments of insight, so I know I've found a way out before and that there's hope that one day I might be able to hold onto that. I feel like I'm at least making progress but its so easy to fall backwards, and all of a sudden your doubts feel like an 800 lb gorilla.10:58 p.m. - 2012-01-07
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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