I haven�t written in my private or public journal since my last d.land entry. I�ve been at home and its kind of hard to get a chance to be alone and have this computer to myself. Even though I�m sure my family would respect my privacy if they found out my dland name, I don�t want it to happen.
I have really been enjoying my time off. I feel like it has been more of a necessity than a luxury though. I wish I didn�t need breaks so much, but they really help me out. Its been nice spending time at my original home with my family, being able to think about whatever I want almost all day long, and actually read for fun!, its so nice. I need time like that to remember who I really am. Being at college you can sometimes forget everything that happened before hand. It just seems like a past dream or something.
I�m a little confused at what my current emotional state is�.. At times its determined and hopeful while other times its depressed. But I think the reason that I�m not really sure is because I�m so relieved and enjoying my time off that I don�t really care.
I went to see my cousin�s graduation a couple days ago. On the car ride back I had a very deep conversation with my family for about 3 hours. It was good to get feedback on the things I was thinking but it was still depressing at the same time like it usually is. Part of you just wants to keep it inside and pretend that everything is fine, the way it was when you were a kid. But I know that�s not the best thing to do. I think I finally was able to explain my beliefs on things so that they for the most part understood where I was coming from. They started to not argue with me as much and agree with me on a lot of things. Which is kind of sad. I wish someone could prove a lot of my theories wrong.
I�ve been trying rather hard at fighting my apathy. Trying not to ever withdraw from my life. I�ve been praying a lot too. I haven�t gotten around to reading much, maybe cause I want a rest from it all. Sometimes I feel a lot happier when I�m not constantly thinking about things. Its a lot easier to be happy when you have so much time to talk with people and do things that u love to do, and the deeper issues don�t seem as important. On a good note, I had two pleasant emotional experiences lately. The first one happened at my cousin�s graduation. Somehow I was moved by how proud and joyful so many people must be to see their sons and daughters doing well in life. And somehow I felt like I tapped into a well of love that was in the room and it was rather intense. I might have been able to start crying if no one else was around. In case I haven�t told u before, I want very desperately to be able to cry. I haven�t been able to truly cry since I was young; I�d say around 8th grade. That�s when I started becoming apathetic, I think. Anyway, this second experience is going to sound cheesy but I�m going to share it just the same. I was at church today and was watching the handbell choir play. It was amazing how each individual was only playing a small part but it fit together so beautifully that it seemed like one more beautiful thing, whose beauty was amplified exponentially by the combined beauty of each individual. I got to thinking that maybe that�s the great benefit in this life that God felt was worth all the terrible costs. Not playing music together but Loving and helping each other together in a way that when they are all combined they are so much more beautiful than the individual parts. It was kind of a beautiful moment, I felt like God might be trying to show me something.
Although I�m tremendously happy about getting done with the school work side of college I�m a little depressed about living some of the other stuff behind. I�ve been getting a little depressed about this specifically in the love life area. I went into to college having had no real relationship and it looks like I may leave it the same way. This depresses me because college is such a good environment to meet girls and I feel like if I can�t do it here what luck will I have once I get out. But I also realize that its been mostly my fault that I haven�t gotten into a relationship. In many ways I wasn�t ready and still am not. But I do feel that once I�m ready I�ll be able to find love; its more about the person you are than the environment you�re in. I�m not really all that depressed about this though. It pales in comparison to the depression I face about being mad at God. Which is probably why I don�t feel completely ready to date. Part of me sees life as a game that I really don�t want to play anymore. Anyway, I�m not too worried about finding a girlfriend, I�m really concerned about finding peace with God and the world.
It feels so good to just sit here and think nice and slow or not at all. Its like I�m letting my entire self catch my breath after a long hard period of school. It feels good to write again.
11:58 p.m. - 2002-12-22
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
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