back at my house at school. for some reason i feel a little more together here. i had a good break. it wasn't real exciting but thats not what i'm after anymore. i want to progress and do the things that i want to do, and lately those things haven't been exciting. just things like talking with friends and family, playing guitar, sleeping in, doing some thinking and some reading. i've given up on life making me happy. happiness as being complete and utter bliss. now i want peace, love, understanding, and progress. i used to seek after happiness as if it were something that could be acquired by possession. i would try to do things that fit the image i was going for. i tried to be happy through being proud of myself. This made me a bad person. It was really me trying to worship myself and wanting others to. I've also tried to obtain happiness by finding a girlfriend. the more i've come to understand my depression the more i know that it can not be satisfied by this. it can not be satisfied by anything. the good things can help to overshadow it but that is all. i think it will always be there. even if i'm at peace with God, and can fully love God, i will still be saddened by all the sad things that exist in the world. But i think if this was the case, even though the saddness would still be there, the emotional state i would be in would be pleasant.
I'm sorry for dwelling so much on this lately. it really has been the only thing on my mind though. sometimes that scaries me. well, here comes some more...
a couple nights ago i dreamed that God was an evil God and was using this life to torture us. needless to say that was an awful dream. thats really about the most awful thing i can think of. i don't know why i dreamed that. i don't believe it.
when i was talking to my sister about doubting God i told her that i don't doubt the existance of a God anymore, i just wonder what kind of a God He is. I just can't fathom that all of this exists without a creater. it just seems crazy. i do, however, wonder about his nature. lately, i've been wondering if he is indifferent to our ideals, to our suffering, to our joy. i'm confused and i don't think i'm making sense. i've been relying on faith a lot lately. i know in the past that through good reasoning i decided that it was most likely that God was Good and loving and overall everything that is, is the best it could be. So i rely on my past reasoning when i'm to confused or tired to make sense.
ok... i need to lighten up some. i know you're probably thinking that religion is consuming this guy's life and ruining it. i just feel like i can't do anything else.
i think i'm too tired to write now. i'll try to do some more tomoro.
12:43 a.m. - 2003-01-04
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
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