well, here i am, an adult in the �real world�, working a job and supporting myself. i�ve been meaning to write in here but the time has been getting away from me. well, where to start... probably with the job.
The job is going good so far. I like the people I�m working with an am doing real engineering work. It looks like it will be pretty interesting work, I just hope i don�t have to work too long of hours and i�m able to handle the stress that comes with all the responsibility. I think i�ll be able to. i�m doing pretty decent so far. i feel so blessed to have gotten this job, it being rather close to home and being almost exactly what i wanted.
adjusting socially:
I�m renting an apartment with one of my highschool friends. he works at a bootcamp type of place and is only here about 1/3 of the time, but its real cool that i had someone i could share a place with. that way i don�t feel quite so alone. the people in my apartment complex seem really cool. i actually met several this weekend. first one of the guys in my apartment is really nice and he took me out and showed me around town, and where all the cool spots are. then it snowed this weekend and i got out my homemade snowboard and went outside to play. at first i didn�t want to do this because i was afraid people would think i was childish. but i just really wanted to and i guess i didn�t care all that much about what others might think. it turned out real good. there were other people sledding and we all got to meet each other and had a good time. i also have one of my friends from college about 50 minutes away from me, so thats cool.
its interesting being in the working world. i�m having to adjust. its made me realize that one of the biggest things that makes adults into the mold they seem to fall into, is having a job and supporting themselves. the work environment where i�m at is pretty interesting. everyone is really nice to each other and kids around a whole lot. at first this kind of caught me off guard, but now it makes sense. you want to do everything you can to make sure the working environment is a good one with good relationships.
adjusting psychologically:
its definitely a major milestone to be at this point in your life. i talk a lot about coming more and more into grasps with my mortality. well, this stage is something that brings that on. its the last real stage before retirement, as far as what your �job� is. before it was school, now its your job. to me, it really shows me the limits of life. when you were young everything was so wide open with endless possibilities. you would sit and dream about all the cool things you would do and never thought about them only lasting a finite amount of time. you never dreamed about getting older. you never dreamed about watching your loved ones die of old age. you never dreamed about living your life without them. you never dreamed about being depressed and struggling to want to live. you never dreamed about how one day all those dreams you used to have, don�t make sense anymore.
truth is, i don�t know quite how i�m adjusting psychologically yet. i haven�t had time to figure it out. everything is so new and i�m just trying to learn how to do everything. i�m also so excited i finally got a job and am so happy about that that i�m not really thinking about the big picture as much. my feelings have really been fluctuating lately. there were some times lately that i felt awesome. i felt like the world was some brilliant, magical song that God was playing through all of us, and I was able to hear its music for the first time. seeing everything go on around me like an orchestra. watching everything move with a common purpose and everything was on the same beat if you waited long enough for it to come around. and i felt that the song was different to everyone, it was the same song but sounded different to every person. as i would listen to one type of song on the radio, everything around me seemed to fit the music, and then as the music changed it seemed like everything fit it as well.
and there were times when i made new friends at work that were really beautiful. this one guy who works on the manufacturing floor doing assembly was a real nice guy and we had a good time working together. he had lived in wyoming for a while and was a skier, and we exchanged stories of skiing at jackson hole. he also told me about how one day when he was working outside it was around 40 below zero and the mosture was freezing right out of the air. he said that there were all these tiny ice crystals just floating around and had covered everything. he said watching the sunrise over that was really a sight to behold. and it was one of those moments. i�m sure it was one of those moments for him when it happened. the kind of moment that you feel so privilaged to be alive. you just stand in awe at the beauty of the creation that you are able to live in, and it just seems like a magical privilege to be there. i think his moment rubbed off on me and i could almost see how it must have looked and felt that same feeling, even if it was second hand.
time is running out on me yet again. i�ve also been so tired from working that ever when i have the time, i�m too tired to write. but hopefully i�ll get better with that. anyway, here are some brief ideas i tried to put together for dland entries over the last couple of weeks:
been thinking about how i think i used to think that too much was a spiritual problem. i used to think that everything was a spiritual problem, without seeing the problems of negative thinking, worrying, physical problems, psychological problems... i�m still worried about my spiritual well being tho... but not too worried, cuz i�m trying not to worry and think that God will take care of those doing there best.
random poem (written at home before i got my job):
i feel the void as if it were solid, mammoth, and bearing down on me
the space between me and every other object, staring me in the eye and pushing me around
only the stains of love remain on these hungry walls
and they�re begging me to feel them full once again
sometimes everything makes me sick to look at. The pretty cars, the pretty clothes, the big screen tvs, the new biggest and baddest mobile phone. they mock my attempts at meaning. they say that the search is hopeless and that i should give up, fall in line, and make the best of a meaningless world.
I was thinking about how my internal struggles seem like they could take on some type of physical form. a lot of times it feels like one person arguing with another. Or one force beating up on my inner person trying to force him to do something while I try to fight back. I was thinking about this and had an interesting thought. What if we are the physical manifestation of God�s internal struggles.....?... wouldn�t that be something.... kind of along those same lines but different, i was thinking about music as an analogy to our lives. and how maybe God is making a type of Godly music through us..?...
10:09 p.m. - 2004-01-25
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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