i need to start writing in here more often. its hard to write entries that try to sum up 3 weeks.
you know, its seems to me, you don�t really know how a jobs going to be until you�ve been there for about 5 weeks. they put me in charge of a project 2 or 3 weeks ago and its been a lot harder since then. it was pretty hard at first for me dealing with the stress, but i�m doing better now. i�ve also been working longer hrs than i would like, but hopefully that will subside once i know more about whats going on and how to do everything.
but i think the jobs going good. its a big challenge for me. i�m having to interact in sometimes stressful situations with a lot of other people that i don�t know all that well yet. i had a kind of bad week 2 weeks ago. just got stressed out and wasn�t handling things as well as i would have liked. and then i heard this voice inside of me saying... this is where the progress can happen. and i�ve come to realize how spoiled i think i�ve been growing up. i�ve never had to make my way before and do things that you have to do in a job. this isn�t a basketball team that i can quit if i don�t like, or a class that i can wait to be over.
i wish i was in more of a mood to write. i�m having a hard time summing stuff up because that hasn�t been whats on my mind the most. i�ll insert parts of a personal entry to show how i�ve been feeling lately.
(written after watching a movie that tickled my old ideas of happiness)
i�m pretty freaking mad right now. nothing in particular happened, i�m just mad at life. mad that its so anticlimatic, mad that its the way it is. i can�t even imagine a good scenario really, cuz i can�t see it working..................... a good senerio would be me being cool like some cool guy in a movie who gets a hot girl and they go around and have fun being in love, and i�m real attractive and am real good at something like guitar or jet fighting or something. and everybody wants to be around me and to hang out with me. oh yea, and it would stay like that too. just like in the movies. the movie ends happily ever after, frozen like that in time forever. but no, thats not the way of things, and couldn�t be i guess. in the end i wouldn�t find fulfillment in that. maybe what lies ahead holds the possibility of fulfillment?
i dreamed about ----- (only girl i thought i ever loved) last night. i think i�ve dreamed about her before lately too. i feel like i died when i gave up on loving her, and i�ve been dead ever since. these veins of mine had life before then, now they pump with out a purpose, without a hope. love seems so cruel. love? i�m so pathetic. i want to scream. i feel like i�ve given up on my life. i�m depressed and it seems like theres no way around it..?.. there will be times i�m happy and try to progress with hope, but the i don�t care and am ready to die feeling keeps coming in. and i�m still mad at God. i�ve been having nightmares lately.
i guess the question is, do i have it in me to live for other people instead of myself. do i have it in me to want the good things in life that require so much work and effort. sometimes i just hate waiting. but at the same time i�d be scared to death to die, and wouldn�t want to. so what do i want? i want it to be all better. i want to wake up and realize it was all just a bad dream. i�m really still 12 yrs old like i knew i�d always be. this body keeps growing but i feel like i�m still the person i was back then and have just been trapped and going along for the ride. the person i am now is so different from how i feel like i really am. i almost feel like 2 different people. remember when i liked to have fun? remember when i was excited about life? but i was always sad; i guess thats one thing that has stayed the same. what the hell is wrong with me? why can�t i be better??
girls is where a lot of my problem lies i think. i�m so messed up there... its pretty evident. the girl that i liked at college and was so incredibly nervous trying to get to know her..... that wasn�t right... it shows how big of an impact its making on me. i can�t seem to get over girls. it still feels like my purpose for living, yet i�ve given up on it making me happy, and feel like i�ve given up on it.
i feel like i�m trying to be something i�m not. i was playing guitar and couldn�t find anything i was getting into singing until i sang hurt by NIN and it hit the spot. i felt the defiance screaming through me. if i could start again, (me attempting to fight God), a million miles away (I can have my way, I can beat you), I would keep myself (I am in control, not You God, me, I can do what I want, I can make things how i want them), I would find a way (I can make my old dreams work out, i don�t have to let this old part of me die, i can live the way i want to.... i can.......) Of course I don�t believe any of that and have a hard time letting myself write it because of its lack of reverence, but its the honest feelings i�m having and had.
i want to ski twice a week, get off of work at 3:30, go home and play basketball with my neighbors, measure how much taller i�ve gotten, play with my dog, talk with my friends being completely honest with each other and having stuff to talk about other than being depressed, think about what i�m going to do for summer vacation, about how i�m going to go to the pool almost every day. we�ll jump off the diving boards, make up new tricks. or maybe i�ll go to the lake and see how far down we can go, or put our fins on and chase the fish and the ducks. or ride my bike. remember how that 30 minutes of hard work going up the hill was worth the 2 minute ride down? and all the while i would be thinking of how cool it was going to be to be 22.
(end of personal entry)
i kind of hesitated to share all that. its pure emotion talking.
my biggest concern lately is another thing i don�t want to share. i just feel like a bad person lately. i don�t know if its because my subconscious is mad about something or what. but i just feel like a bad person. i don�t even want to get into the details. just a serious lack of love. i want to be good but can�t seem to do anything about it. i guess i should put this all into context a little bit more too.
i don�t know many people right now. so when someone asks me if i want to do something i say yes. i�ve been in a completely different environment than i was in at home. the people i hung out with at home, for the most part, where very much like me in what we liked to do for fun. the people i�ve been hanging out with here make me feel like i�m back in highschool, with the whole partying mentality. and i actually thought, what the hell, i so want to forget about work, and all my other problems as well, lets go do some drinking. and i did. first time i�ve ever got to the point of feeling drunk, even tho i remained in control so didn't really feel guilty about it afterwards. a very interesting experience. at first all of that attitude of just live to have fun and don't care about anything was kind of fun. next weekend rolled around and it was even worse. i didn�t drink quite as much but everyone else made up for it. and most everyone�s conversation was pretty decadent, and then it hit me. i just wanted out. i wanted to get back to the point where i could see beyond my physical sensations. i wanted to get back to where life had some kind of meaning and purpose and i had a sense of direction. i wanted to fill true love again. i need to get back to trying to love God again. I can�t pretend to be happy, even with the aid of alcohol. all that attempts at fun just made me apathetic because i think i approached it from the angle. happiness should take you closer to where you want to be in life, not farther away. (Just as a note: I don't think drinking is a bad thing if done correctly. but couple it with the wrong attitude and it can be a bad combination.)
to sum up what i thought about the decadent media sanctioned ideas of happiness: the physical is nothing. we can be animals or we can strive for something more. the spiritual is what matters most.
i think i�ll end with some pedro lyrics:
"wouldn�t you
love to be
on the cover of a magazine
healthy skin
perfect teeth
designed to hide what lies beneath"
Pedro the Lion
Magazine
10:31 p.m. - 2004-02-15
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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