Both of these entries were prepared for dland but not entered until now.
sunday July 3, 2005
so yea. i don�t write in here much anymore. i recently had a dream where i told my dad i figured out the meaning to life. life is the meaning. everything about it. everything we do, everything thats been done. to try and put that meaning into words would just limit it. it would just look at a small part of it and even that would be lacking. words attempt to describe something. it makes much more sense to experience it directly than to sit and try and put it into words. i know that in the future i�ll probably once again realize the significance of contemplation but as for now, i�m enjoying just experiencing life. and trying to make it better.
some of the things i�ve been doing: a lot of my time goes towards trying to solve my medical problem with having tight muscles and a painful neck. i try and walk twice a day, and exercise for 30 min too. i do about 15 min of yoga a day, and 15 min of self applied massage. i�ve researched all the vitamins and minerals necessary for proper muscle functioning and bought food supplements and adjusted my diet accordingly. i�ve been doing more social things too. i�ve been learning to cook better. i still meditate some too.
Sunday July 10, 2005
last night i dreamt i was back in france and as i was walking along the streets i looked up at something in the night sky. it was so beautiful and i felt the beauty so intensely that i fell to the sidewalk and cried. i think this was a reference to the �moon of truth� that zen buddhists use to represent enlightenment. they say that our mind is like a pond or puddle of water and the moon of truth is always shinning in it but the water of our mind is cloudy and full of waves so that we cannot see the reflection clearly. i.e we have to quiet our mind to see the truth. it was a very neat dream.
i also had a revelation a couple of days before this dream. earlier i had read a Buddhist book that said to get a question that is important for you and ask yourself that question from day to day. don�t try to reason it out just ask it. my question was, �why do you care what others think of you�. i had been asking this for probably around 2 months. i later realized that the anxious/scared feeling i have around others, is also present when i�m by myself. so the question became, �why am i scared? what am i afraid of?�. and finally the answer (or one of the answers) came to me and seems so obvious now. i�m afraid of my own mind. the pain that my mind inflicts on me. its not coming from anywhere else but my mind, and thats what i�m afraid of and why i�m so anxious (even scared) a lot of the time. my mind can inflict an incredible amount of pain on myself. for emotional pain, it seems to me that its never the situation itself thats so painful, its how your mind uses it to bring pain on yourself. (now that i think about this it makes me wonder, why do our minds do this?). for example, lets take the time that i was �talking� to a girl i liked on the phone, trying to make the transition from friend to dating. i got very nervous/anxious about it. but what was there to be nervous about? so what if i mess up and she ends up not wanting to date, theres lots of other girls out there, there was nothing about her that made her seem like the �only� girl for me. the real thing i think i was afraid of was the mental abuse that would come if i were to fail. �you�re hopeless, pathetic, doomed with girls...� this would bring me into a state of depression w/ even more abuse by my mind. i would cut down myself from as many aspects as i could, and would generally just feel really bad about myself. this is painful. the situation itself, not so much. i see this in so many things now. i can�t say this has cured my just yet but it certaintly is helping and i feel good about how much better i could get.
it worked just like they said it would... it just came to me.
8:40 p.m. - 2005-07-10
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
kenny-loo
bliss-sad
duplicitous
lost-facade
realthoughts
perceptions