things haven�t really changed all that much since my last entry. i guess the theme that i�ve been experiencing the most lately is wanting to live life unrestrained. it feels like theres a part of me dying to get out. like he�s partially tied up. i want to live life like i�ve always wanted to be able to do. to not be afraid of anything. to be the man of some girl�s dreams. to do great things. to let the person inside of me dance for all to see, without being self-conscious w/out being prideful. i think this way a lot lately. i�ve been much more concentrated on making my life better than i�ve been in the past. in the past i entertained myself w/ too much tv, music, and video games. i picture myself living out west for awhile, being in the ski patrol or doing something at a ski resort. i�d get in a band and play at the local venues. and then i�d go and study music at a college (or do this at the same time). spending my hours learning about what it is i�m so interested in.
i feel like i�ve been coming to a crossroad lately. i wonder about what to do and i always come to the same crossroad but can�t pick a direction. my sub-conscious seems happier now than it used to be... but i feel like i�m becoming more of a selfish person. i no longer idealize about how all i need is to live for helping others. i become focused on what it is that i want. and this is my dilemma. i feel like i�m drawn to live life the way i want to live it. deep down i just seem to be a selfish person. helping others just doesn�t motivate me. i like helping others, but i cannot get excited about making that my life�s goal. i feel like that would just be wasting my life. a lot of the different paths i�ve thought about lately just seem selfish. doing something fun like working at a ski resort vs doing something that makes more money that i could use to help others with. but i guess it depends on how you look at it. to me it seems more important to help people out on a spiritual/emotional level than contribute to some financial cause, and i don�t think i�m doing anybody any favors by being unhappy with my job... 4 more months until i reach the 2 yr mark at my job. what i gave my verbal commitment for. i fully intend to quit after that, but i�ve not been doing that good of a job of getting my plan together. i need to work on that.
in other news, i was in Germany for 5 days last week. I went with 4 other guys from work. it was awesome. i love getting out and seeing the world. it gives me such a liberating feeling. plus i always get a lot of good thinking done on the plane. somehow it helps me put things in perspective. nothing is fixed. theres a million different places you could be and a million different things you could be doing. i was in meetings for 3 days but had one day to go around and explore. one thing that stuck out to me was how devastated Germany was by the war. while i was there i learned that every major city in Germany got completely leveled during the war. unlike where i was in France in January, there were not many old buildings left. But there was one part of town that was really amazing. Some churches, a town hall, and a little village of old houses. i made a friend with a German girl i was sitting beside on the plane on the way over. she was going to a different destination but we had a good time for the 8-9 hrs we were beside each other on the plane. i love getting to know people from other cultures and see how they�re different.
i�m planning a surfing trip with some friends. I sure hope it works out. I�ve always wanted to learn to surf.
while i was in germany i dreamed that i was someone else, and as i was having a conversation with some people, i remembered my previous life (my real life). it completely freaked me out. made me feel very out of control and trapped. all that ground i had been working so hard to make was lost and forgotten. my whole life, all that was important to me was gone and i didn't even know it. then i woke up...
i am really looking forward to quiting my job and learning to follow my heart and live life more fully.
7:56 p.m. - 2005-08-28
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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