as unusual as my last entry was, things have been pretty normal lately. work is incredibly hectic (i�ve got way too much to do for the time alloted), and I�ve been trying to focus on how i�m going to change careers. its funny how my attitude on this changes so greatly w/ my emotions. at times when i�m feeling kind of manic it all makes perfect sense and its going to be great and i�m going to do great. and then when i get depressed i have all these insecurities. the area i�m most talented in musically is playing electric lead guitar. however, this is the most physically demanding and is what bothers my neck the most. since i�ve already got enough social insecurities/shyness as it is, i try not to make my stiff and sometimes twitchy neck any worse. Therefore what I love to do most, and what I feel i�m the best at, i haven�t done much at all for the past 2 yrs, and i�ve tappered off on my playing for the past 4. if i didn�t have this problem i�m almost sure i would have gone into music write after i got my engineering degree. but lately i�ve decided that there are many other things i could do in music. i love writing songs, learning music theory, recording music/mixing, and teaching so i figure there are lots of things i could go into. but i have doubts that i would be a good enough songwriter/composer, doubts about how much i�d like teaching (especially in a classroom setting), doubts about how easy it would be to get a job in a recording studio. but overall, even with these doubts i still plan on trying it. whats the worst that could happen? i�ve been saving up all my money and this is something i would want to spend it on.
i�ve been very focused on improving my life from a variety of angles, but i�ve lately realized how much more self-centered this is making me. i feel like i�ve had less and less love for people over the past 4 yrs or so, and it seems to be getting worse. (Funny how in the past 4 yrs everything seems to have happened, my neck got worse, i had a religious crisis, i stopped playing guitar cuz of neck problems, i had a harder and harder time loving people. I can definitely see how any of these could affect the other). and i don�t really know how to solve the problem other than being aware of it and trying to force myself to do kind things, and be around other people more. but if i look to the past i can see that when i�m happy i have a easier time loving others, so i guess another answer is to make myself happy, as odd as that sounds (in order to make others happy you need to make yourself happy first, seems to go against my ideas of the problems of selfishness).
w/ my changing religious beliefs i�ve begun to revaluate a lot of things, moral issues in particular. i tried to come up w/ a way to evaluate whether something was good to do or not. the best way i could come up w/ was �what are the results of doing it�. what a novel idea. my internal debate on premarital sex has surfaced again. sex is such a tricky subject because its got so much control over us. to stay and alive and to have sex seem to be the two traits that are instilled in us the deepest (which makes perfectly good evolutionary sense). I�m not going to go into this in too much detail but just thought i�d explain that its been on my mind. currently my position on it hasn�t changed, which is: for me, premarital sex is not a good idea, i.e it would produce undesired consequences. seeing how my romantic life is virtually non-existant, this isn�t really the most burning issue.
so i guess don�t really have all that much to speak of in this entry. i haven�t been writing much in my personal journal either lately. i�m continuing my trend of being more concentrated on improving my external world than the internal. i�ve neglected the external for too long and have some catching up to do i guess.
in regards to my previous entry: i�ve been hoping that i would have recurrences of that feeling but haven�t had anything that compares to it. occasionally i�ll catch myself being amazed as i�m walking around work or talking to co-workers, but it feels very far away; not a very strong feeling. i haven�t told anyone else about this, altho i might tell my zen friends...
by the way, i recently added more bands/movies to my profile. before i was a little worried about being found out by people searching on this, but i�m starting to care less about being found.
2:55 p.m. - 2005-12-04
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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