here�s some excerpts from my private journal that i wrote w/ the thought of maybe putting them in dland:
�Thursday April 6, 2006
God is a word invented by humans.
God is three strokes of the keyboard
God is compression waves traveling through the air vibrating my ear drums
God is a name we give to a feeling/idea existing w/ in the human capacity to experience and think.
when we create a name for something it gives us the feeling that we understand it and can hold it in our hand. something tells me that if i am to understand this thing we commonly designate as �God�, i need to forget everything i thought i knew about God. i feel like i�ve been changing a lot lately but i feel like i�m still holding on tight to this and that it might be keeping me from going where i need to go. but i�m very apprehensive about this. its always been everything to me. but maybe hanging on to these ideas and feelings i have is really keeping me from truly knowing and experiencing that which we are here to know and experience... i don�t know, i guess i�m confused.
Saturday April 8, 2006
yesterday night i lie in bed and thought about my life and almost being 25 years of age. or was it when i was driving home from work? now i remember, i heard on npr driving home from work about 911 calls that happened on 9/11. they read one from a lady who talked about her whole office being engulfed in smoke and she couldn�t hardly breath anymore and she said to the operator, i�m going to die aren�t i. anyway it made me think of what i would feel if all of a sudden w/ out notice i knew i was about to die. and although thoughts of wanting a successful deep relationship w/ a girl, and having sex came to mind, what stuck out the most was that i wanted to live at least one day as good as i could possible live it. no more of this standing on the sidelines shit. no more of this tail between my f*#$ing legs. so i decided that today would be my perfect day. i would live it as hard as i could, in that everything i did, i was maxed out, doing the best i could. altho i didn�t go out and do anything earth shattering i did have a good day. i was pretty focused and determined; i.e. the idea worked. i don�t know that i would call it perfect, but i did pretty good. and i don�t mean i overcame all my problems and did all this stuff i�ve always been afraid to do, what i mean is that i worked w/in my limits as best i could. i didn�t back down and didn�t let up. i know i can�t all of a sudden be everything i ever wanted to be, but if i live my days as best i can, i think i can die happy, or maybe content is a better word. funny that this makes me as happy as it does. its not goal driven. where i end up doesn�t even seem all that important, what is important is that i gave it my all. today was a good day. i�m going to try and make every day my perfect day and maybe i�ll eventually get one.�
(end of private entries)
i�m still inspired like i was in the sat entry above. altho i found that its a lot easier to live your best when you�re not confronted with the major things you�re scared of. today i thought of living as good as i possibly could but realized that might mean doing things like getting up infront of the UU church and saying something at joys and concerns, or signing myself up to play a song i had written inspired by my transition to the UU church (lost balloons � follow the �music i wrote� link if you�re interested). these are things that i would like to do but am afraid to. but i worked within my reasonable limits, and did my best at everything i decided i was willing to take on. and i had another good day. its interesting how this seems to give me such purpose. i find purpose and meaning in living a day as best i can, just for the sake of doing it. i got a lot accomplished this wkend. i have to say my attitude was partly inspired by something i read on dland on fri night:
go to http://theperson.diaryland.com/060208_23.html and read the paragraph starting �a few days ago� if you want to see what i�m talking about.
9:09 p.m. - 2006-04-09
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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