to write or not to write? that is the question. whether tis noblier to write entries once / month or to just quit all together... hmmm....
i no longer have the drive i once had to write in here. yet after about 2 - 3 wks go by i do feel compiled to say something (usually). i've been thinking about what to do...
i got home late from a rock concert last night and decided to skip UU church today. I feel like i've been getting less and less out of going there. i think the main reason i still go is to see my friends and hopefully meet more people. and its kind of nice to be part of a community. but as far as spirituality goes i feel like i can usually make more progress by just staying here and reading, writing, praying, meditating, etc...
i've been having low self esteem lately (i hate that word but can't think of another one). i remember in high school gym class when we would stretch the gym teacher started laughing at me. he apologized but said he couldn't help it cuz i was trying way harder than everybody else but was the least flexible of anyone in there. i didn't really take offense (the guy was an ok guy). thats how i feel lately. i do all these things to try and improve myself (healthwise and socially) but when it comes down to it i seem to have more problems in those areas than most other people, who it just comes to naturally (or so it seems). i realize there's people worse off than me but i still want to have a happy life. i've been wondering what to do about my neck. i feel like i've done about everything i can. i've considering going to a regular dr again but it will be expensive and my health insurance will go up... plus they haven't really helped in the past... i'm 25 yrs old and struggling... i really worry about whats its going to be like when i'm older. i feel so defeated because of this. its hard for me to be happy and i think this is another reason i struggle socially. (sorry for all the whining).
school is still going pretty good overall. its funny how moody i am about it. i'll have good days where i do real well on an assignment and feel real good about myself, and then other days where i don't do so well and wonder if i've got what it takes. but i'm not too worried overall, if i can't cut it as a composer/songwriter then i'll focus on the technology aspect of it (where my engineering background will come in handy). i just want to do something with music and still feel good about my decision. it probably won't be an easy road (i imagine i'll have to do engineering work some of the time) but it seems like the only thing that makes sense to try.
zen moment: every now and then i have this strange sensation that i feel like i am another person that i am interacting with or watching. we are all so similar and sometimes i just get this feeling that i'm them and they're me (like we're the same being existing at different times, or maybe we're not the same being but we share an intimacy much closer than we normally consider). i once had a very nice long dinner conversation with customers from Europe and i felt like i had experienced it from everybody's point of view. last night at the rock show i was enjoying watching the girl singer dance and bang around to the music and it one point i felt like i was feeling the same thing she was experiencing. my mind seemed to spontaneously imagine looking through her eyes out over the crowd and moving and gesturing like she was. its probably all in my head, and you probably think i'm crazy, but its a sensation that i enjoy and seems significant to me.
11:56 p.m. - 2006-10-22
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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