i've been real busy with school work lately. but its fun working all day on stuff you are interested in, even though it can be tiring. overall things are still going well altho i'm really struggling w/ my physical situation due to all the hard working. but i don't want to bore you w/ that in back to back journal entries so i'll stop there.
i've been reflecting on my life a lot lately and i'm not happy w/ where i'm at (altho i am happy w/ my career change). despite my best efforts i still feel numb to the world. i still feel like an observer rather than a participant. i seem to stay in a bad mood and have a hard time caring about others. as a result, i have grown apart from a lot of my old friends and have trouble making new ones. i want to have meaningful relationships again. sure i have friends, but it just doesn't feel the same. i feel so distant and most of my relationships seem awkward. whatever it was that made friendships so intimate, enjoyable, and meaningful seems lost to me now. i even feel myself growing apart from some of my family (due in part to my changing from a Baptist to a Unitarian Universalist church, which has been real hard on them). i just don't like this trend and wish i could reverse it. i thought back to see if i could find the exact moment when all of this numbness and distancing started. i couldn't come up w/ a specific moment... i guess it was a gradual thing. i am reminded of a pedro the lion song:
"love well young man
while you still can
once your leaves turn
you won't love again
in time memories fade
senses numb
one forgets
how it feels
to have loved completely"
pedro the lion - the longest winter
i'm going to have to start spending less time on things like work and school and more on progressing socially. this is going to be difficult cause i am real busy right now.
on a more positive note, i am continuing to read "Life After Life" by Dr. Raymond Moody Jr (a documentary on near death experiences), and am really getting a lot out of it. i plan to write a more elaborate entry about it some other time but basically it seems more likely to me that its true than being fabricated or a series of coincidences. and best of all it paints a good picture of the afterlife (altho it only goes into the introductory stages of the afterlife). in the book he mentions another dr who has made it a practice to talk to patients after they have died to help ease their mind, because he believes they are outside of their bodies and still in the room. he believes this because of the near death experiences his patients have told him about and because the initial stages of dying are confusing and unsettling. i am getting to that point where i believe it more than i doubt it. the book is very well done and i'm surprised its not common knowledge because of how interested most people are in the subject. it leaves me with a lot of the same questions i have always had about the unfairness and cruelty of life, but it certainly reaffirms my belief in purpose and that there is much more out there. i highly recommend the book - its a quick read and a real page turner.
11:18 p.m. - 2006-11-12
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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