Once again I�m intimidated by the task of trying to sum up such a long period in one entry�
just got back from a family beach vacation. That was fun but it flew by and was not quite as rejuvenating as I would have liked. However, I did get my annual dose of wave riding which was really nice. And I was also able to really enjoy some of the moments. Riding waves as the sun was setting, with the lighthouse in the background, in a refreshingly cool water temperature. Gazing out the car window at the untouched beach wilderness in the evening - Its like I felt like it was trying to tell me something. But now I am back in my apartment and will be starting my old engineering job tomorrow, which I�ll continue all summer until school starts back. Perhaps this is what has me down� this and my increasing doubts about my music career. It appears that finding a teaching job with only a master�s degree is going to be more challenging than I initially anticipated. And making a living writing music just seems harder and harder. Towards the end of the year I wrote music for another modern dance concert, and had a real tough time writing it. the choreographer had very clear ideas on what she wanted the music to be like, all of which were things I�m not used to doing. I was swamped with other stuff and ended up writing most of it in one week, right up to the deadline. It is really stressful to be put on the spot creatively all the time. I didn�t want to let the dancers down, or fall on my face in front of large audiences. But in the end it turned out well and was well received. But it made me question even more if I want to be put in that position all the time. I guess I was just burned out too. Sometimes I just want to do something easy. I�ve got 2 years left before I get my masters degree. (It took me 1 yr of undergrad classes to get accepted, and its a three yr grad program for me). I�ve been contemplating what I should do, although I�m pretty sure I�ll stick it out. I certainly enjoy getting better at writing music, but I worry about my financial outlook, especially with the economy looking grim.
The free counseling I spoke of went really well. I told her she was like my perfect counselor. Its also a weird relationship tho. This person who I�ve only known for about 3 months in some ways knows me better than anyone else� and its just a professional relationship. The most noteworthy thing that happened was after a �focusing� session. Focusing is where you think about things and notice all of the nonverbal reactions your body has. It might be mental images, or a shift in where you feel your awareness in your body (e.g. from the head to the stomach). You�re asked to describe the feeling as a taste, smell, or color. It sounds silly and new agey but I�m now a believer (its taken from the book �focusing� by Eugene T. Gendlin). We hit on something that was very sad for me and focused on it in these different ways. Afterwards we were talking and I just lost it, like I haven�t lost it since I was a kid. I couldn�t hardly get the sentence out and when I did I couldn�t stop crying, and for the whole rest of the day, just thinking about it would bring back the tears. I felt better the rest of that day than I had in a long time. It felt like some chemical had finally been released after years and years of drought. Other things have happened since then that showed me I�m still more connected with my sadness. Without emotions its like you keep life at arms length, never really experiencing it, or realizing its depth, and unable to react to it in an appropriate manner. I also think its interesting how closely related sadness is to beauty. Sadness is such a deep and powerful emotion for me, but there is usually a hint of beauty in there somewhere.
In regards to the eckhart tolle type of awakening I described in my last entry: this is still something I�m working on and benefiting from although its benefits have not increased or been as dramatic as I imagined they would. However, I still believe it�s the path of real change for me, but it will probably take some time.
Now that school�s out, I�m hoping I�ll be able to write in here on a more consistent basis.
6:46 p.m. - 2008-06-08
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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