Things have been going a little bit better for me lately. I think mainly because I am somewhat excited and hopeful about making some progress on my neck problems that I spoke about in my last entry. I�ve started meditating much more frequently (once or twice a day) and have made some progress with it. Here�s how I described it in an earlier private entry:
Had a pretty big thing happen recently. I should preface it w/ the fact that I�ve been listening to oprah�s bk club lessons on Eckhart Tolle�s �A New Earth� which I�ve really been enjoying. Its like zen Buddhism w/ out the references to Buddha, dharma, and some of the other odd things about Buddhism. And it speaks about it all in much more practical down to earth terms. Buddhism is kind of like, you have to figure it out for yourself, it can�t be communicated, but here are some mysterious clues to help you on your way. But Eckhart breaks it down in as clear of a way as he can, but I think they�re both talking about the same thing� so anyway, I was at the kitchen table thinking about how I always seem to orbit around a state of unhappiness, regardless of whats going on. I thought that it was just cuz I didn�t like my job, but now I�m pursuing what I love and I�m still unhappy, and I realized that�s its just the nature of my mind to be unhappy, to be always striving and longing for things, to be in a state of unsatisfaction. And what I meant by �my mind� was that it was not me, it was my mind which I have observed during meditation. The mind has thoughts, compulsive thoughts which are often not useful or intentional. For whatever reason this is just how the mind works. So I saw that it wasn�t really me that was unsatisfied it was my compulsive uncontrolled mind going on and on about it. And since I hadn�t seen that it was my mind and not me in the past, I thought that I was unhappy all the time. There is a separation between you and your mind that becomes apparent when you meditate, when you are completely focused on having no thoughts, yet these usually useless and compulsive types of thoughts occur. Learning to see that these thoughts come from an organ of your body and not from the essence of who you are is a pretty revolutionary thing to realize. And I was able to start putting this into practice some. I�m always nervous at my lesson with my main teacher. Its private/one on one, and I�m in this uncomfortable chair having him comment on my music which I have usually poured myself into. So I was nervous about my neck twitching/jerking and was able to observe myself from a distance. I thought, this is not who I am. I don�t want to be all nervous and acting like this. This is just my conditioned self stuck in its usual patterns as unintentional and compulsive as the random thoughts I have during meditation. And then I was able to see that I am not tense, �I� am only aware that my body and my �mind� are tense. Then I was more able to observe which muscles were tense and was able to relax them more easily. I am not 100% well by any means though. Its like you�re able to see that who you thought you were is not really who you are. It is only the conditioned you, the you that was a factor of your environment, genetics, upbring, etc� but there is an awareness in you, an observor, which I believe is separate from this. And I�m a currently confused about what its nature is� is it the decision maker? The sense of morality? Part of me says no, its only an observor� but this doesn�t make sense� I know I�ve gotten on kicks before that didn�t last, but I really think that this is the path of real change�
(end private entry)
I am really interested on where this is going to take me. Eckhart talks about this as the separation of yourself from your ego. In the past I�ve beaten myself up over the fact that I am so different from how I want to be. I want to be loving, kind, strong, compassionate, but instead I am often resentful, afraid, and anxious (to name a few). But now I realize that these negative traits aren�t really who I am, they are a type of mental disease. I was (and still am but to a lesser degree) often being run by compulsive and uncontrolled thoughts that I identified as myself. And as soon as I realized that these thoughts are just thoughts, flatulence of the brain, if you will, then they lost their power. I think I had a glimpse of this earlier, which I wrote about here
For whatever reason, at that time I felt completely separated from the me that I normally think of as me (my social status with my friends, my talents, family, how I look, and all the ways I view myself). At that time I felt like I was just an observer and was amazed that I was really here living this person�s life�I realize that to an outside observer, with no experience with meditation, Eckhart, or eastern spiritual teachings, that I probably appear brainwashed by some type of cult thinking, or just mentally confused. I don�t think it�s the type of thing you get right off the bat. However if you�re interested in learning more I highly recommend the Oprah Eckhart videos available here: Oprah
/ Eckhart (also available as a podcast on i-tunes.)
I hope that I don�t come off as snobby about this. I think you can live a good life and make lots of spiritual progress without all this, by focusing on loving others, becoming humble, and listening to the still small voice existing within yourself and letting it guide you in your life. However, for me, I think that without it its much more a struggle, and you will be much more limited, without using these tools. However, the effectiveness of all of this is still largely yet to be seen. I have only just started, so we�ll see how I feel in the coming months and years.
11:19 p.m. - 2008-04-06
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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