Wow, its been a long time since my last entry. I wanted to write several times but couldn�t seem to find the time. Well I managed to (so far) keep myself from doing anything stupid in regards to my parents� divorce. I am a little more at peace with it, and the circumstances surrounding it. note to anyone who is married: the financial settlement that takes place during a divorce is not as cut and dry as I thought it would be. Particularly in terms of gifts/inheritance received or $ brought into the marriage at the outset. I don�t agree with the laws. You shouldn�t be able to make decisions for years and years, thinking your financial assets are one thing only to discover at a divorce that they are much different.
But something has / is happening that makes the divorce issue look like small potatoes. As I�ve said before, I try my best not to post info about other people so I�m not really going to be able to talk about this� which is hard and puts me in an awkward spot, which is maybe why I haven�t typed in such a long time. For me, dland is all about being honest, and I really really would like to be honest about this issue (I haven�t even told anyone outside my family circle about it). but I simply can�t risk someone else�s personal information� lets just say it�s an extremely sad, scary, frustrating thing that deals with a subject that has always been my hardest thing to deal with. Nothing makes me question God�s existence and the nature of our own existence more than this topic. I feel like I�m in the book I read in high school �things fall apart�.
However, overall, I�ve been able to deal w/ all of this fairly well considering. Perhaps its because I feel so needed. I need to be strong and helpful and loving. I could be doing better but I could be doing a lot worse. Occasionally I�ll dip into a state of depression but I usually come out relatively quickly. And when I say come out I mean come back to my normal level of functioning depression. My mental state is kind of hard to pin down lately. In some ways I�m clearly depressed (don�t have the motivation to want to date anyone, or sometimes even go out). Overall life seems much more like a burden than anything else. Yet at the same time I can be on the verge of tears looking at how beautiful the street lights glitter through the rain on my car windshield. At times I feel like I�m close to some type of enlightenment and that nothing could satisfy me more than the knowledge that I exist as part of this universe. Nothing you could do could compare to that. You are already more special than you can imagine. I was going to write about this earlier but the divorce kind of took over. I�ve still got it saved; I�ll add it to a future entry so this one isn�t too terribly long.
In other news I�ve had to once again transition from student to worker. I�m teaching private music composition lessons part time and doing my engineering job part time. I wanted a classroom teaching job but at least I got to try one out over the summer, and it went well. So far, I think I could be happy being a teacher, but I want to make sure before I invest in more schooling. (The goal would be to get a doctorate and teach music in a university). It�s a little depressing to be back at my engineering job for an extended period of time but at least its part time now. It just pays way better than anything else I could likely do� and its nice being around people more often.
I�m starting to wonder if I should try to treat my depression in a more serious way. While I�m very scared of anti-depressants, and think they are over prescribed, I have heard some people talk about how much they were able to help them. (I�ve also heard other people tell some horror stories). I�m not sure how much sense my depression makes anymore. It feels more like a huge rock on my back that I needlessly have to carry around. I can�t hardly even remember what its like to actually feel �good�. In my experience, nothing turns off a girl quicker than clearly recognized depressed traits. I feel that I could accept this burden (and I have for a long time) if I had to. I could try and transcend this happy/sad duality (which I�ve been trying to do) but I sometimes wonder if it would make more sense to just get someone to take this huge rock off me. (a lightning strike that came without any warning at all caused me to stop writing for the night). If I was a superstitious man I might think that meant something� anyway, I�m in a slightly different mood now and see this from a little bit different perspective. I think my depression still does make some sense. I�m alone too much, still not really capable of being the person I would like to be, and too lazy to be making the difference that I could be making. But granted that the depression is very much contributing to this. Which came first? Got a chicken or the egg thing going on here�
I could type a lot more but I need to save it for another entry.
8:58 p.m. - 2010-09-27
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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