I�ve been wanting to write in here for quite awhile now. Somehow I feel that by writing in here it would somehow make things a little bit better� The recent problems I�ve been talking about are still there but are a little quieter at the moment. There�s my parent�s divorce and another issue I�ve not disclosed. I feel like I need to though. At least in a very general way. Its about the mental illness of someone I know. To witness it firsthand is very scary/disturbing/depressing/frustrating/ and it really tests my beliefs in a loving God / meaningful universe. The mental health system has also been a let down. Under funded and ill equipped to deal with one of the most serious things that can happen to a person. I really wish they had a better handle on it. Once you starting digging into the research you see how controversial all their drugs are and studies that suggest something major is going wrong in the USA and other developed countries (see
In other news, I recently had a date. We didn�t really initially plan it as a date but that�s what it ended up being. And it felt good. Its been quite awhile since I�ve been on one and it was nice to see that it was possible and that I didn�t self destruct but actually had a good time. It was with a girl I once dated in highschool. I ran into her at a wedding awhile back and we eventually planned a get together. It was basically 10 years since we had last really talked. She had been married, divorced, and had a child (3 yrs old now) in that time. I knew going into it that it was very unlikely we could match up because of our conflicting religious views (and my not really wanting to have kids). But it felt wrong to not do it. On too many occasions I have hit the abort button before I give it a chance due to factors like this. And it felt good to do all the little things. To dress up, eat at a nice restaurant, look into each others eyes and joke / flirt. For a moment or two we got to pretend we were still in highschool and that anything was possible, with only dreams of love, not bogged down by the cold realities of life. But eventually all the serious stuff came out, which needed to happen. I told her everything and it was really a relief. About my struggles with girls, life, religion, parent�s divorce, and other very serious issues. She was a great listener and was very supportive. She really cared. She shared a lot of her own serious issues too. We both agreed how important matching religious beliefs are to a relationship. I sat there and told her how in a lot of ways I�m happier now because I�m not so distraught believing so many people are going to hell, but in some ways I felt like a fraud. I wanted to be back where God�s existence was a certainty and all the answers were located in a book. I wanted to be back as part of my family�s religion, so that we could be at peace with each other. And I wanted to back 10 years ago in the same car when there wasn�t an invisible barrier keeping us from progressing the relationship. But I could want all day long and it wouldn�t change a thing. I AM happy that I feel I have progressed on my spiritual journey but it has come at a big price. But I knew all of that had to be said and it was very good that it got said. And it couldn�t have gone any better. We got to recognize that we cared for each other but understood where our relationship bounds were. And to be honest, I could use another friend right now as much as I could use a girlfriend.
11:48 p.m. - 2011-01-01
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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