it seems like yesterday that I wrote my last entry but its been 50 days.
I hesitated to share that last entry because it was so over the top. I waited for like a week before I put it in. I thought, I was probably just delusional there at the end and later on it will be confusing and won�t make sense. But it still makes sense. Its been 50 days and I still think it is genuine. Part of me hates to put something out there that seems like bragging. Look at me, I�ve discovered my true nature, I�ve found enlightenment� But every time I would get down again and would read it, it helped a lot. It helped bring me back to that state I was in. I thought it was particularly useful because it started off in such a negative state and then transitioned to such a positive one. And I thought that maybe it could help others in a similar way. So I added it.
I wanted to put so many qualifiers in it when I originally wrote it. The reflections I had made in the week since I wrote it. But it robbed it of its moment, and its momentum. I needed to let it stand on its own for awhile. So now for the reflections:
1.13.11 commentary:
This was one of the most dramatic 180�s I have ever done. It literally happened just like it reads (although there were quite substantial pauses in writing). I was able to maintain that euphoric feeling for about 3 days. Then as I was consumed by the mental challenges of work, etc.. it started to fade away. I still can read the words but the clarity and knowing I felt when I wrote it are more distant now. Still there, but more distant. But this is exactly what they describe in Zen Buddhism. Its one thing to have a moment of enlightenment and its another to be able to live in that enlightenment on a continual basis� Reading this again 5 days later has been helpful.
1.13.11 commentary part 2:
regarding �what are we? Are We God? Are we separate things made by God? I think the question cannot be answered by yes or no. I think we are probably off base with our very nature. I think we are more like a verb than a noun. But what makes the decisions?
Is electricity separate electrons or is it the laws of nature and is there a difference? We try to draw separating lines with our minds that may not really be there.
Everything in us is following the same laws of nature as everything else, why do we see ourselves as separate from everything else? Rather than an equal part of it all that happens to be conscious of itself?
These are big questions w/ big implications. I have to admit I�m a little confused� particularly about our relationship to God. I still feel like I need to pray to the same God I�ve always believed in and do so in complete humility. And I think I still can even believing all this other stuff. Perhaps its only a contradiction in my mind but not in reality.
3-7-11 commentary
In Zen Buddhism they say that at first, glances of enlightenment are often brief, and without proper training remain mainly as a remembered experience but do not penetrate into affecting all aspects of your life. It also says that its like a blind person who regains his sight little by little. At first he can only see the things that are right in front of him and in a blurred manner. It is still the truth that he sees, but in time he will be able to see farther and clearer. I�m considering making the 1.5 hr trip to start visiting a Zen center. My experience is very similar to those experienced by a variety of sources that has gone on for a long time (e.g. Zen Buddhism, other similar nondual religions (recently Echkart Tolle), and also Jill Bolte Taylor (a brain scientist who had a stroke that cut off her brain�s left hemisphere and gave her an enlightening experience that changed her life)). Granted I have no doubt been affected by reading all this material, but my experience is also consistent with experiences I�ve had as young as 5 years old, prior to my exposure to this type of thought (more on this another time).
The thing that is so appealing about this type of mystic religion is that it is a �don�t take my word for it, you must see it for yourself� type of religion. You are not asked to accept on faith those things that don�t mesh with your instincts. Zen says examine your instincts, look inside yourself and see the truth for yourself.
While I am excited about all of this I should mention how unstable I seem to be with it. While I am able to get back into that place of serenity (sometimes more so than others) I can easily fall back into my old ways (which seems to happen most consistently at work when I am forced to do intense analytical, left brain work all day). I can go right back to where I was at the start of the last entry, in a serious depressed/negative state. Yet, even in that state I have a stronger faith that I am just temporarily blinded to what I have seen to be true, and that helps carry me through until I am able to get back.
I am also still quite confused on some of this and realize that others may think I�m just delusion and on my way towards being crazy. But I�m not quite as obsessed with it as this journal makes it appear. I still go to work and do my job well. I still keep the same friends and do everything pretty much the same way as before. I�m still socially awkward at times and not so successful with the ladies. I still write long rambling diaryland entries� I am aware of the possibility that this is a collective delusion. Just because you experience something and the mind thinks something is right doesn�t guarantee it is 100% true. But its basic premise is hard to deny: we are as much a part of life as everything else. The fact that all this exists and we are an undeniable part of it, makes both us and everything else extremely special. Where did we come from? We either came from God (who is the eternal Being that caused everything to be), or we came from the universe which also must be timeless/eternal. If it was created at a given time, what caused it to come into being then? And what was around before then that caused it to be? If someone says it just popped in out of nothing, then that nothing is the eternal, the infinite out of which anything can be born. And that nothing would have to be seen as something much more special than we normally give it credit for. �Formless� is a better name. And this is perhaps the closest definition to God that I can see. If God had a form He would no longer be infinite, something could be bigger than Him or smaller than Him, or different than Him. The only way I see for God to be infinite is if he is nothing (or formless), undefined. Which reminds me of a private entry I had written:
2.25.11 entry
I�m tired of activity. Of Information. New movies, new songs. I crave stillness. Peace. Lightness. We see emptiness in ourselves and feel we have to fill it with accomplishments, other�s admiration, etc. we cover up the emptiness w/ things. But I think its our emptiness, that�s so special. Its what is sacred. All the other stuff just reminds me how inadequate the substitutes are. We see nothing as just nothing but I think that�s where the infinite lies. We come from nothing and we return to nothing, and in that nothing is everything. Everything manifests out of it. it�s the possibility of anything. Its like a great paradox. Nothing can sustain you. Nothing can satisfy you. Nothing is greater than God. As soon as God has a form He is no longer God, something could be bigger than Him. He would no longer be infinite. But in nothing all possibilities exist. Divide any number by zero and you will get infinity.
9:02 p.m. - 2011-03-07
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
kenny-loo
bliss-sad
duplicitous
lost-facade
realthoughts
perceptions