The entry below was written on 1.8.11 but prior to my knowledge of the Arizona massacre. I later inserted all the spaces to try and represent the pauses I had between thoughts. Its funny how necessary the pauses are� kind of like in musical composition, pauses / time to absorb before moving on is crucial.
1.8.11 Entry
teenage angst has paid off well, now I�m bored and old - Kurt Cobain
I used to think I was just going through a phase. Like I was stuck in the �before phase� but that I was going to turn the corner at any moment. I�m starting to think that I�m not going to turn the corner.
its amazing how much of psychological pain is self-inflicted. We don�t want to accept things as they are and are hell bent on changing them. We cry out that life is unjust, resist how things actually are and create lots of pain for ourselves. Some things can be changed, some can�t. I guess that�s why that old stoic prayer was so wise: God let me work to change the things I can, accept what I cannot, and have the wisdom to know the difference. Right now I�m wanting to know the difference in my own life. I�m wondering if I just need to accept me more as I am. That my aspirations are just not possible for the DNA trapped in this body. Maybe I won�t ever be Mr. Cool sweeping my beautiful soulmate off her feet. Maybe I won�t ever get over my social anxiety, or the physical issues I have with my neck and how it holds me back. Maybe I just have to accept (like someone playing a video game) that�s there�s just some things this character I got stuck with can�t do. But that doesn�t mean I don�t have a place. Its not about that. Its that I don�t like my place. Why should it be so important to me that I achieve this level of greatness I�ve imagined in my head? Shouldn�t I be focused on just doing good things, alleviating suffering, and leaving the world better than I found it? So I can�t be the traveling guitar virtuoso I wanted to be because it inevitably screws up my neck� so what? Why do I care so much? So I probably will have to marry someone significantly below my expectations because of my own social anxieties / deficiencies� why do I care so much? Why am I so all or nothing?
So back to the �phase� and turning the corner talk. Yea, I truly am pathetic, its not a phase. But why do I care so much? Its mainly when I�m reminded of how seemingly successful a lot of my friends are and that they see me in my non-dating, social awkward state, that it bothers me. But I can still have an enjoyable time in my less than perfect state, but I don�t like feeling pathetic in others� eyes. Why do I care about that?
I�m beginning to think this fairy tale is not going to have a happy ending. I can�t seem to break through. I can�t feel a thing. I�m cold and black inside. I watch myself get excited when I hear of others misery on the news. Sure, the conscious part of me says that�s awful and I pray for them but my unconscious seems delighted there are others suffering even worse than me. I guess I have to accept that too? My subconscious is not the virtuous all-loving being I would like it to be. Is that OK? Do I have to accept that? Yes, I�m needed. Yes there is a lot of good I can do. But sometimes I�m just not sure I can stomach it all.
I�m tired of failing. Tired of trying like hell when it just seems impossible.
Congratulations to you world. You won. You were stronger and better than me after all.
I was wrong to question my place. Are you happy now? Will you leave me alone now? Will you leave the rest of us poor broken people alone now? What do you want from us? Why should we be made to suffer like this? Rubbing it in our noses. See, this is what you want isn�t it?? Try and get it� fail, fail, fail, fail. Look, all these other people did it, why can�t you? You just need to try harder. Fail, fail, fail.
The thing is, I�m sure (pretty sure�) this is just all my own mental illness. Its in my head.
There�s nothing out there that wants me to fail, but maybe that�s even worse. Because then it would all be random and meaningless. I�ve always believed there was a way out but now I�m starting to doubt that. Why am I so dissatisfied?
Is it just the very essence of the human mind like Buddhism says?
Is it really possible to suspend judgment? They still believe that suffering should be alleviated so how is that not a judgment?
But maybe it�s a knowing and not a judgment made by our highly analytical minds.
I�m trying to think my way out of a problem when maybe thinking is the problem, and I just need to do what I need to do and leave it at that. Why is that so hard for me to accept?
Is this all because I�ve forgot my true nature?
If we are one with the universe then we already have it all and its just an illusion that we don�t.
we are every happy couple we see, every successful friend. We are already the answers that we seek, we just can�t see it.
If one was the universe/one with God and all of a sudden it was living a human life of such limitations I imagine it would feel similar to how I feel about it all.
But I don�t think I�m God. But I do think I originated from Him. How could I have originated from anything else? If there is no God in the usual meaning I still originated into this world just like everything else did. How am I not an equal part of it?
How am I not the gorgeous sunrise and the smiling faces on the happy couples?
I am the electrons spinning around the atoms in my body, how am I not the moon spinning around the Earth?
The very essence of my physical self is like a burning flame, transitory but giving the illusion of permanence. Every cell in my body will have been regenerated within 7 years. As Eckhart says, I don�t have a life, I am life.
But I am life manifested in a very specific way. I see the very specific thing but loose track of whats behind it. I identify with the very specific thing but not the thing that is behind it, when really isn�t that what I truly am?
Its like I was poured into a container and then I think I�m the shape made by the container. No, I�m the Spirit of Life, the Spirit of the Universe that is breathing in and out of my lungs. It seems obvious now.
Why do we see ourselves as so separate when we are life being breathed out in different containers.
We see it easier in nature and the universe than we see it in ourselves. Do we really think of Mars as being this poor isolated planet or do we see it as an inseparable part of our infinitely mysterious universe?
We suffer because we forget what we are. Like Nirmala said:
every taste
every sensation
every possible pleasure
is already present
in the timeless
awareness
that is beating my heart
what use
in chasing dreams
that have already
come true
this container may be limited but life is not.
I could have played a thousand guitar virtuoso concerts, I could have married the most beautiful girl in the world and had the greatest social skills in the world but it wouldn�t have given me what I was seeking. I would have always seen limitations because there will always be limitations when you are tied down to one specific form.
Perhaps the infinite can only be observed through an infinite number of finite containers. We mistake ourselves as the container, as the finite, when really we are the infinite being manifest in a finite container.
I no longer need to prove anything to anyone. I am a manifestation of the universe, what could be more special than that?
I am still needed and there are still good things I can do. Now I think I can do them in peace.
FYI: here are links to the people I quoted:
Eckhart Tolle
The Nirmala quote was taken from his free ebook called �Gifts with no Giver�
PS - While I read the thing about all our cells regenerating every 7 years from what I thought was a reliable source, it turns out this is controversial if you research it on the web. Several sources say some specific cells never regenerate. However, they all agree that the vast majority of our cells regenerate rather rapidly.
10:14 p.m. - 2011-01-14
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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