i've decided to make this like half a journal and half like a collection of my thoughts on various things. Let me see, i don't really have the energy to catch you up completely on where i'm at in life so i'll try to make it quick:
Had a very powerful religious experience, became a real Christian instead of one who goes through the motions but doesn't actually believe. Over the years I've really been saddened by what Christianity means, and would almost rather it was not true. But it seems to me that the evidence is in its favor (I'll be sure to write on this later). But right now i'm angry at God for the way things are, i feel like i'm missing something or i've got something wrong with Christianity. I'm really depressed right now. The most depressed i've been since i got "saved". lately i've gone through about every kind of doubting that i can imagine, and i feel somewhat confident that you couldn't throw a doubt at me that i haven't already thought of. anyway, throughtout all this, the evilness that i felt my self surrounded by before i was saved (that let me tell you the only thing that is important is not being in that evilness, and not being there I think means being with God) never came back and never has. Even though I'm mad at God, am more aware of the saddness, tragedies of life, my own mortality, and my own selfish/evil tendencies I have never felt that evilness return, and for that I my joy is boundless, for that IS the most important thing. Its hard to do this quickly.
Love life: fell in love with a girl in the 7/8 grade and couldn't shake her off until about a year ago. We went out for like a week in middle school and only dated once in high school but there was something about her that i couldn't get over. I was completely infatuated with her. We used to talk on the phone for 4 hrs at a time pretty requirely. She knew me better then than most people know me now. And she used to gaze into my eyes across the classroom and i felt myself falling into her eyes. anyway, i don't know quite what to think about all of this. she's not a nice person; she's so selfish, maybe as a result of being so gorgeous. looking back she seemed to be a complete tease, and i don't think she felt any differently towards me as she did towards anyone else. I'm sad for her, i think she has a little more problems than most of us do, but i may be wrong. i was finally able to get over her when i realized that the part of me that liked her was the part of me that wanted to be bad. I'm confused about the whole love thing and sometimes have a hard time figuring out the difference between selfish longing, lustful desires and true romantic love. Love should be selfless but so many times its not. anyway, i knew that i never wanted to go out with her because she was a bad person, but i couldn't get over her until i realized what i mentioned above. so all that time from 7-sophmore in college. i was never truely attracted to anyone else. I had girls that i thought were very attractive but none like her. But after i realized what i mentioned above along with some other thinking i finally felt myself get over her and then became attracted to one of my good college friends that i had know for about 1.5 years. the first person i'd been attracted to in 6 years, and it happened in a great way. i wasn't even attracted to her at first, not that i thought she was ugly. but gradually as i got to know her better i saw how beautiful she was. eventually we started having real deep conversations and then i started to fall for her. Then i started to feel myself fall into here eyes which hadn't ever happened since the first girl mentioned, for convenience i'll give her the name susy (the old girl i was so long infatuated with). I told her everything i just told you and lots more. i'd say they were the best conversations i've ever had with anyone. we talk together so well. she is so virtuous and seems so truely good that she seems to defy the Bible verse all have fallen and come short of the Glory of God. I ended up telling her that i had feelings for her, which was hard to do. She said she wasn't ready to date and that was the last thing that was said about the matter some 6 months ago. I still see her about 3 times a week and we meet some friends for lunch. we have good conversations but we don't go as personal and deep as we used to, i don't think she wants to. i'm so screwed up right now that it makes no sense for me to have a girlfriend, and i realize that so much that for the first time since i've liked girls, i'm completely fine not having a girlfriend. I'm glad that i told her how i felt though. I've seen how bad of a person i am since then though and it makes me so sick that i feel incapable of doing anything other than being sad.
career life: junior engineering student. i want to be a muscian but unfortunately i have neck problems that are preventing me from persuing a career there. my neck problems are another thing that constantly seems to keep me down. realizing that i don't think i'll be able to achieve my dream of being a musician is so painful to me. I felt that that was about all i really wanted to do. I'm trying things to make it better; maybe some day it will be better. but its not too awful to have to be an engineer or something like that.
11:58 p.m. - 2002-04-13
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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