well, its been awhile. i've been writing in my private diary about everyday and haven't had the time to put one in here. i guess i don't want to make this my one and only diary cause i'm not willing to be completely uncensored, which is so essential to me. by the way, i haven't come across a diary that i thought was completely uncensored. i might end up doing it eventually cause i think it might help some people; we'll see.
just read through my past entrees on here. only a couple real substantial things have happened since then. I'm taking summer classes now and things are going fairly well. my neck feels a little better than it did, but is hurting me a little more lately cause all the guitar playing i'm doing. by the way our band got its first real gig!
On to the important things. The girl amy (i didn't mention her name earlier though),that i talked about, who i was great friends with and started falling for, and I never really resolved anything, but i don't think it could be resolved. my kept on being friends, and i miss her a little bit now. she's around but i haven't seen her all summer. i don't miss her a whole lot but i do miss the way i could talk to her so openly and how she understands me and cares. it seems that she kind of started getting involved with her old boyfriend, which i think she felt bad about cause she was blushing when i happened to see them eating lunch together. but it doesn't make me feel bad. i'm fine with her not liking me like that, i do wish she would have told me though. part of what helped get me over all this was a girl i had met earlier named Jennifer. I had started liking her last year but i only saw her a couple of times cause she went to a different school. i saw her again this year and she made me melt like i hadn't melted since the first time i thought i was in love. it was amazing. we just seem to fit together. its like the way that i am and the love i try to give people was perfect for her and hers was perfect for me. a lot of times i think people misunderstand me, but it was like we could feel how each other were. we talked a lot that night. it was the best i've felt probably since the last time i talked with her a lot about a year earlier. i didn't ask her out but thought about it a lot that night. i felt i was too messed up right now for that. she's not around this summer and i'm trying to get myself straightened out, because i need to be and because i want to be able to ask her out in the fall. i also was a little scaried and didn't want to goof it up.
i'm a little more determined to straighten my life out than i may have ever been. i have been real depressed the past while though. i have this i want to die feeling a lot and finally asked myself, do i really want to die? seriously? i thought about it and came to the conclusion i thought i would that i don't, i want to get better so i can love others, help others, and do good things that my God would want me to do, and so i can really Love God again. this has been so helpful to know that thats what i really believe. everytime i catch myself having the i want to die feeling i say, no you don't you want to get better. that has really helped.
trying to face the fact that i'll be in the real working world in another year, and with that comes facing all the other things in life you don't want to accept about growing older. i'm somewhat at peace with my mortality though, i guess cause i feel like i'll have enough time to get good with God, life, and others again, and thats all thats important, thats the only part of life i live for and that won't end when you die.
i really want to read, think, and write more about Christianity but lately i've been thinking about things a lot more universally, but they all come back to that if you thinkg about it enough. well maybe not all. i'd like to write some on that, but i'm tired now and need to get some studying done.
later
4:07 p.m. - 2002-06-22
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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