i've stopped writting in here and my journal lately. just frustrated by the enormity of the problem of fixing myself. i have learned one very important thing though. all my problems have one single cause, and that is that I'm mad at God. i figured out that trying to solve a lot of my problems was really just treating the symptoms of being mad at God. I wish I wasn't mad at God. I would be so happy if I wasn't. Everything would be great. I do have faith that God is good, but just don't see it right now. The worst thing that could be would for God to be bad.
I am so sad about the world and mad at God because I believe in guess what?? Christianity... I'm supposed to be estatically happy, right? I don't see what there is to be happy about. I used to be very sad about those that were damned but was happy that some of us were saved and could be united with God. This is still the source of my happiness, but I don't like God right now and as a result don't see being united with him as being pleasurable. Maybe I'll post my essays on why I think Christianity is sad and why I'm mad at God, sometime. but not today. i gotta sleep soon. i just wanted to vent.
Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
i'm not to happy about that if its true. it would mean u can't try to understand it, if u do, you won't be happy. how can u not try and justify what u believe? i wonder if there is a Muslim song that goes the same way but says to trust in Muhammad or Ali? are they just as happy as they Christians that wrote that? Even if i wanted to i don't think i could. i can't turn off my brain. my subconscious would still be mad at God.
11:25 p.m. - 2002-08-25
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