i'm going to use this entree as just an outlet, venting, probably will have lots of things that don't make sense and that i don't necessarily believe...
i'm drifting farther and farther away from life. its so sad. everything is. today i found out one of my classmates got hit by a car and died. I was sad but realized that I'm so messed up about life I don't think i could feel anything if someone close to me died. i hate that i'm apathetic again. i worked so hard and got so far, but now i feel it again... nothing. I would rather have sadness because at least you are alive with sadness. I guess I do feel some things... just pain. a dull pain slowly increasing like the slow approach of death.
i can't stand to pretend to be happy anymore. i know that my problem is probably that i am selfish but i don't feel like there's anything i can do about it. i've been working too hard lately and that is really taking its toll. i just have slim to no hope at all of being happy anymore. i think that being at peace with God is the only way I will be happy and i don't see that as all that likely the way things have been going lately. its so sad to not believe in the things you used to think were so beautiful and brought such happiness. i go back and forth on believing in romantic love. part of me would rather just forget about it all together because all i've seen is pain come from it. pain for me and for the poor girls that liked me. if there is anyone out there that is truely happy, at peace with the world, I would love to talk to you so you can get me out of this rutt i've been in almost my whole life. or even if you are happy but not at peace.
i have to again and again remind myself that i have something worth living for, something that I desire. (don't worry i'm not going to kill myself, I'm just endanger of living a life without living it). I feel like pedro the lion when he said
"if all thats left is duty, then i'm falling on my sword, at least then I would not serve, an unseen distant Lord"
and also
"i feel the darkness growing stronger as you cram light down my throat"
and
"wouldn't it be so wonderful if everything were meaningless... but everything is so meaningful and most everything turns to shit. rejoice"
My desire I have left is that I want to be close to God again. I want to be right with him, for him to be pleased with me and for me to be able to love Him and Him love me. I also desire to be able to love all humanity with a pure love, I love I apparently do not currently possess. I feel so bad being in a sad world and not having the love to help others out of it by loving them. Its funny though.. the screwed up part of me still desires things.. but bad things. pride and sex being the main ones. I just have to constantly remind myself of the good desires and that it is possible.
10:56 p.m. - 2002-09-28
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