i get a lot out of reading girls diaries; it helps me understand them. One thing that I've discovered is that they really are concerned with being in love. More so than I imagined, and more so than I would say us guys are. Anyway I thought I would talk about girls some so if any are reading this I may be able to help them understand some about guys. Not that I am the norm though....
I want a girl that I can be sad around. we can comfort each other and we can be sad and happy and all the other emotions together. we also accept each other for not being perfect. we're mainly there just to comfort and love the other person. to let each other know that someone cares about them not for what they can do for them, but because they feel them, and they love them. I want a girl that is honest and likes talking about what is really on her mind rather than what makes pleasant, happy conversation. So much of my life has been wasted pretending to be happy. Its interesting that I don't even imagine it as all that happy of a thing, just satisfy the urge to hold someone and have them hold you.
I don't know why I fall for the girls that I do. well...... i'm a sucker for beautiful girls. The first one I fell for was very interesting. Very selfish though. I still think she is probably the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. and the only girl i've ever really fallen for. i would have done anything (as long as it didn't harm someone else) to be with her. we talked on the phone almost every night. sometimes for 4 hours. i can still remember those nights, staying up late, talking about whatever. it amazes me really... that i could talk to someone like that for so long every night. sharing our feelings or talking about whatever. for the longest time i didn't think i could ever love anyone else again, even though i never really was her boyfriend. I was so frustrated that she didn't feel the same way as me. I wondered how all the conversations we had didn't do the same things for her as they did for me. I finally had to say goodbye.
(sorry for this probably not being helpful)
my idea of love back when I was fallen for her was that we were the only thing that mattered in the world. that we had each other. it didn't matter what else happened. I knew that I would be together with her when I died and we would be all we needed then too. Now I believe that satisfaction and peace only comes with being at peace with God, and He is all we need for eternity. Its making me wonder whether I had replaced God with a girlfriend, or that I replaced girlfriend with God.
I don't think I believe in love that way anymore. it won't solve your problems, it just gives you a companion that loves you and you love her. You help each other and you are there for each other, but you do not satisfy each other. Only living life right and being at peace with God can do that.
11:58 p.m. - 2002-09-28
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