well i'm almost too exhausted to write in here, but i finally have some free time so i thought i'd try. this week has been crazy. i had this stupid design project that about killed me. it was really hard working that hard for such an extended time. it made me feel sorry for people who have it bad in life because i was like, I don't know if i could do this if i had to do it all the time.
well, i haven't talked to Jennifer again, but i may talk to her tonight. i've been having some weird feelings about love lately. doing all that work just put me in a bad bitter mood. but also, i haven't entertained the idea of having a girlfriend in awhile, and unfortuantely it brought back the selfish feelings i used to have along with that. i used to want a girlfriend so bad, i thought it would make me happy, that i was very selfish in trying to get it. and thats why i always messed it up. Lord please help me learn from my mistakes.
been struggling with depression lately. a little more than normal. it makes it harder when you don't feel as good physically and don't have the time to pray and give yourself those little pep talks.
My grandpa got cancer recently and that has really been making my depression worse. i feel so bad for wanting to run away from it instead of calling him and being supportive and loving. I so wish i had more love for people. I really do want to love them, but i am so depressed with it all that i have a hard time caring about anything other than feeling sorry for myself and everyone else..., but probably mainly myself.
recently, meaning over the past 6 months or so, my opinion of myself has declined significantly and my opinons of others has gone up. so many people are so strong, doing good things with such ease. we all face similar difficulites in dealing with the depressing side of life and i feel like i'm wallowing in self-pity like a child while so many others are out doing such a good job of doing their best. its inspiring. its really kind of beautiful to see us all trying so hard inspite of all the depressing things in life.
(diaryland just lost the rest of my entree.... grrrrrrrhhh...)
i'll try to summarize it. I talked about the importance of understanding the limits of things. I think that now that i don't believe love can solve my problems and make me happy I can finally appreciate the beautiful things that it does have to offer. Just like how I used to try and get complete satisfaction from my guitar, and because it was incapable of that it just brought frustration. not until i learned its limits did i really learn to appreciate the good things it had to offer me.
I'm really glad fall break is here. hopefully i'll have a little bit of time to write some and do some good thinking. I really want to resolve things because now is prime-time living. I feel like the path i lay for myself now is going to be very big in shaping my life.... not saying its ever to late to change... but i think you know what i mean.
10:43 p.m. - 2002-10-10
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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