sorry i haven't written in here in awhile. things have been insanely busy. and i've not been doing well, mainly because of all the work i think.
my main complaint is that i have a hard time feeling love for a lot of people. that is so terrible. there is almost nothing worse i can think of. sometimes i feel like i'm becoming worse of a person and there's nothing i can do about it. its those times that really scare me. when i feel like i would be doing the world a favor to withdrawl from it. its interesting though, other times i feel like i'm finally on my way to become a fully functional individual. i think i'm manic depressive, but then again we probably all are to some degree.
i dreamed i was in heaven last night. i was going on some kind of tour or something, or maybe we were just going there for good, i don't know. it was really kind of neat though. at first i thought we were going to hell and i wasn't happy about that. then i was like, hey... we need to go to heaven not hell. and so they were like, "ok". I climbed up a latter from some kind of a sewer like place. when i got to the top i was in Heaven. it was amazing. the colors were so incredibly bright. i don't know if i have ever remembered dreaming in color but this time i do. the sky was so incredibly blue and the grass so very green. then my alarm went off.
don't know why i shared that,i guess cause i'm too tired to come up with something intelligent.
oh...the band i'm in got our first real gig on the music scene. we played at a pretty cool club on halloween night. it was a lot of fun. i was finally able to relax and have fun on stage. it was great. maybe i'll be able to be a performer after all. i really want to do music. sometimes i feel that it is one of my main reasons to be here. I want to get as much of myself out as i can; on paper and through music. i don't really know why.
i'm going to see pedro the lion play soon :) I'm happy about that.
If i could sum up how i've felt lately it would be confused. I feel like i'm working myself to death, or maybe i'm just dying because i don't have time to work out all the major issues i'm going through. it really scares me how bitter i am about religion. i see the preacher's on t.v. acting so confident like its so easy to see how it all makes sense and you're an idiot if you don't think so, and i feel hate towards them. thats terrible. i hate to feel hatred. i think i've only gotten mader at God. I've been feeling hopeless about it too... I've seriously considered taking time off from school to try and work out my problems because they are getting rather bad and apathy is beginning to be the only way i can cope with them. which is so terrible. but i can't take time off from school. I can always manage. Apathy is a powerful coping tool. You can deal with about anything. but you almost might as well be dead.
a disturbing thought i've had lately... What if God is a masochist? It seems like that sometimes. there seems to be a lot more suffering in the world than pleasure. na, i don't believe that though. its just the unfortuante price that has to be paid for the good things. it still doesn't make sense to me. I don't know why God created the world.
You know... my sadness essay isn't complete but i'm going to go ahead and put what i've got of it in here. Just cause i think it would kind of fit in this entree.
SADNESS DIALOUGE
BY: ME
DIALOUGE WITH MYSELF. TRYING TO BE MY OWN PSYCHIATRIST.
do u know about the sadness i speak of?
all too well i�m afraid. i know how it stays with you constantly, how it tires you endlessly, and how its source is too potent to even hold in your thoughts. I know how it doesn�t leave you, even in your dreams and how it invades every part of your life. i know, and i�m afraid that we all know. it has always been there even though the extent to which we come to know it does vary over the years.
do u know what causes it?
good question. the knowledge that we are not in control, that we are not gods but have been made into existance by something greater than ourselves. most of our lives we have struggled to free ourselves from our inferior positions and this is a fight we know we cannot win. it is only enhanced when considering all the other creatures in the world that, presumably, never asked to be created. and our creator leaves us with no direct assurance of our situation. we feel like mice in a maze. some say he made us to love him, i wonder if he made us to amuse him, and either way it seems pretty self serving. not only this but we see that how we were made is not to our satisfaction. nature seems to be less virtuous than we would like, caring only about survival, eating mates and killing the lame and all the rest. we are affected by our animal instincts and nearly every tendacy for man to relinguish the pain brought upon by all of this leads him into even more disatrous conclusions. we try to have pride for ourselves in some way, and if we have to be inferior to God we can at least try to be superior to others. Our attempts at this creates an evil that surpasses the pain of the sadness.
there are two rays of hope shining to us though. One is from the love we have for each others. understanding the sadness of us all makes us love each other in a very strong way. we appreciate our brotherhood. and the love we feel and do for others feels so good that we know that not matter what the situation is, our love is not in vain. This love is good but with only this, the sadness can never be relieved. It is only through the second hope that the possibility of happiness exists, and this is shown to us through our love for our creator, as occasional as it may be. I would wager that even the most tortured soul has sometime in his life felt a love for his creator, even if it seemed irrational to him. The idea that we could be at peace with and even have a constant love for our creator would bring true peace. The understanding of this and the longing for it causes the mass interest in religion. It is unlikely that we will ever have the control we desire or be the gods we desire to be but it is more possible that we might know what kind of a God our God is, and if he satisfies us, then we can be happy.
This is a dangerous road. the consequences of this are huge. many wish to leave it unknown, therefore always allowing the possibility of God being good. I�m not sure this is a bad idea but I would rather take the risk with the possibility of happiness than settle for a tolerable state of pain.
what if trying to know God is something that we are not built to handle and the attempts at doing so will be like staring into the sun, ruining our lives?
a question that must be addressed. If God is a good God then I can�t imagine him giving us the ability and overwhelming drive to ask such questions unless he wants us to and thinks that it will be good for us. If God is not a good God and our attempts to understand our situation will leave us crippled then it was worth the risk and we haven�t lost much because its not much good to be able in a world with a bad God. I, however, believe that God is good. I don�t see how a bad God could give us good gifts such as the purely good gift such as love. It seems that all bad things that are in life are caused by our trying to satisfy our desires. We try different things to relieve our sadness. I believe that God has allowed this sadness because it can drive us to try to know, understand, and love God. unfortunately, when we try other ways terrible things are created.
could it be that God uses the intellect to punish the rich that have the leisure and selfish desires to try and satisfy themselves instead of helping those who are in desperate need of simple things that they can supply?
touch�. to some degree this may be true. i do not believe that man was made to just think but to love one another as well as our God. I guess u are saying that God would rather we just believe that he is God and love him without the benefit of contemplation? Is this enough to allow us to live for God instead of trying to live for ourselves? Will we believe this enough to not have pride for ourselves? Does our subconscious agree with us on this? It is evident in the way we feel. My subconscious is not satisfied, it seems to be telling me that i have animosity towards God and I wish to resolve this. Should i just tell myself and try to believe that God is good and has done me well, or should i try and prove it? i have elected to try and prove it for i don�t think my subconscious would be satisfied the other way.
if so many people just accept their tolerable sadness then why don�t they just kill themselves?
they have love for others and know that they can help others not feel as sad. they also have the hope of progress and have the hope that God is good and are placing their bets on that hope, willing to endure the sadness in hopes that God is good. For they feel that a good God would not be pleased with suicide. Many also know that suicide is no escape. how can you ever escape? you are not in control. suicide only has the possibility of escape. it also has the possibility of leaving us in a much worse state where we have an even less amount of control. for those that do it, I guess they think its worth the risk or just can�t stand the waiting.
if our situation is so bleak then why do we even procreate?
i don�t know. this is an area where i can definitely tell i differ from the rest of the population. i hope that it is because people find their happiness, presumably, from being at peace with God, and see life as a precious gift, a joy, and want to give it to someone else. I hope that it is not for selfish reasons. because they want to be loved and want something to love. or they want part of them to live on. to feel like God. you weren�t able to control your own creation but u can control the creation of someone else.
Is it possible that God doesn�t exist?
not that i can conceive. every ounce of reasoning i have tells me that something cannot come out of nothing. the only thing that i can imagine being without being created is nothingness. it is possible that God is in no ways like we think of him but i cannot imagine the world existing without some kind of creator.
Is this wishful thinking?
I don�t think so. I want to be in control. If there was no God than I would be more in control of myself. I could just kill myself however many times it took until i was happy with where I was, or I would cease to exist. Either way I am the one in control. I also want pride. If there was no God then wouldn�t I be the creator of some things? my ideas and my abilities? where did they come from? my love and goodness, I could say I made them instead of God, or I guess i could say that they just always existed and if so, wouldn�t these things that always existed be a God? or maybe they are our equals?
i don�t want control because i could not create happiness for myself. I want there to be a God because I want to be happy and if I cannot do it then I want to believe there is something that can. maybe this is wishful thinking. the idea that God can make us happy. But the idea that there is a God is not.
Why do I have this feeling of wanting to die, but everytime my life is actually in danger it is clear that I very much want to live?
you might just be fearing the stroke of death and not death itself. or maybe you are still fearing death. you might be misinterpreting your feeling.
why do i get so mad and or upset? if someone is mean to me I can sometimes get very mad and actually feel like harming them. If someone does something mean or I upset them it other times just really makes me sad. why?
Relationships is what life is all about. Relationship with God and with other people. If either relationship is bad you will be very sad. I got mad at someone I knew for beating up my friend. I wanted to hurt him back. It might be that part of me didn�t like him anyway. I�m not sure why I got mad besides wanting justice. I got mad at the gym guy when he thought i was being mean and got all mad at me. I think i was mad that he made me realize how incompetent i can be with people. I was also mad at the mad feeling i had and was mad that (i thought) he caused it.
How can I not be mad at God anymore?
now thats a good question. Pray for God to forgive you for your wanting pride and to allow you to accept the goodness of God. Ask for God to help clarify if possible the things you are mad about, like Hell and how he made us knowing the majority would go to Hell.
I do not believe I can go on leaving this unresolved and have a happy life. it seems that ever night my muscles get a little tighter and my sleep gets a little worse and i feel a little worse in the morning. I could get by, because i have to, but I don�t know if I would be very happy. Maybe sorrow is what God really is.
I need to read smart people�s theology and see why they love God.
bottom lines:
I�m mad at being made into existance with no possibility of pride.
(this is not complete and was written for myself so some stuff you might not get, i plan on polishing it up later)
12:44 a.m. - 2002-11-02
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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