well, things aren't going well now. things look really bleak. last time i wrote about resorting to apathy. I have felt very weird lately. At first i thought it was a good thing, and I think there are parts that are. This past week i just have felt a weird kind of happiness that came with just not caring about things. i later found out that i was just really happy that i didn't care.
things didn't go well with the girl that i called out of the blue that i really liked. i pretty much made a fool out of myself on the phone with her. i was just too nervous. so after that she pretty much has given me the cold shoulder. sad. I can understand her doing that but i thought she would be a little nicer about it. But anyway, the weird thing was that i got to the point where i didn't care. and it felt really good. and then i didn't care about what kind of job i'll get or whether i have any friends or anything other than being able to do what i want to do. like i said, at first i thought it might be a good thing. i thought maybe it was a gift from God. Maybe i wasn't supposed to worry about all these things.
Later on in the week i was up in the library on the 9th floor and i looked out the window and imagined jumping out and part of me didn't care if i would have done it. the apathy had completely taken ahold of me to the point i didn't seem to care if i lived or not. then i realized it was a bad thing. that the happiness i had been experiencing was just being happy about not caring. caring is pain so much of the time. but without caring there is no love and nothing good. So the sad way things look right now is that i've given up on pretty much everything and don't even care. i guess i'll just be a bitter hermit if this continues and the funny thing is that even knowing all this part of me really doesn't care. part of me is just overjoyed at the idea of giving up. Part of me is pretty scared though.
me and this world don�t fit together well. i feel like a character in one of those cartoons where the stork drops the wrong baby off at the wrong place. i should have been dropped off at a place where things make sense and their is always a purpose to things. where people can be virtuous and no one is ever mean. a place where people always care for each other.
i want to go to sleep and not wake up until everything is all better. until the world i live in is the world i was supposed to be living in.
i think i need to find some friends that i can be completely honest with about how depressed i am and that feel the same way as me. i have some friends that i talk to that really help me out but i don't feel like we relate as well as we could. i guess i need some guy friends that i can talk to about it with. but its not "cool" for guys to talk about stuff like that so not many do. which is why i end up talking to girls.
"i'd rather be dead than cool"
Kurt Cobain
I hear that. I really hate "cool". when people try to be cool it makes everything fake. the world is too messed up to not be honest. its about the only thing we have. we're supposed to be all together and not depressed and always be fun. i hate faking smiles and have pretty much stopped doing it unless i feel like not doing it will make someone feel bad.
I need to find someone i can talk to with about absolutely everything. i think that would be a good thing. i'm about to give up on anything helping though. If i wasn't so apathetic right now i would be worried about whats going to happen to me. but maybe being a bitter hermit won't be all that bad.
I feel like i shouldn't include this entry because i hate to let others now that i am this messed up. but it wouldn't be an honest thing to do not to include it. I'm sure it probably won't be fun to read but that kind of fits the mood i'm in. i'm very confused. life feels like its slowly becoming farther and farther away, like how when you start to fall asleep and noises start to get softer.
I'm not sure what i'm going to do about all this. i don't know if i have it in me to care, especially with not seeing a whole lot of hope. well i do still have some hope. i think i'll just pray about it and ask God to help me out of it cause i'm having a problem finding a way out myself. i'm probably too stuck on thinking about myself right now. a lot of times thats the problem. but i don't feel like i can do anything to fix it. i know that the minute u say u don't have control is when u lose it but it really feels like i don't.
i'm sorry i had to add to the ugliness of the world by adding this entry.
Lord help us all.
12:07 a.m. - 2002-11-17
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
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ski trip - 2013-02-08
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