i wish i could look towards the future with anticipation. most of what i see ahead is stuff that i don't want to do. lately i've been re-realizing the fact that i discovered awhile ago that all my problems have one root, that I am mad at God. Until i fix this problem most of my life looks like it will be spent in bitterness. on the bright side, even in my bitterness i am able to have a good time with people and have love for them a lot of the time. but i would have so much of a better time if i was happy and not mad at God. Here's how the problem penetrates into my life. I am mad at God for not being able to have any pride, among other things, but i think this is the main one. Now there is nothing i can do about this (despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage (smashing pumpkins)) but refuse to participate in life. This is the problem that greatly affects my life. Lately, I just don't want any part of my life. I think it is a protest against God. Its kind of like i'm saying, I'm not going to even play your silly game, what do u think about that? I'm really messed up :( I really hope i can get better. the only thing i know to do is to keep praying, thinking, and reading. also, i know that i must keep living life and in many ways i do like life, when i forget about the deeper problems that i have, but unfortunately i feel i can go only so far in life by ignoring my problems. i don't believe that that is the answer. well, i'm going to try to lighten up for the rest of this entry.
i went on a ski vacation with 3 other people my age. one was already my friend, the other two i sort of knew but got to know pretty well on the trip. it was fun. sad that we didn't have anything more to say to each other than we did. we watched a lot of t.v. (we keep it all inside and then we die, all we do is learn to hide why oh why (lyrics from a song i wrote)) but then again we didn't know each other well, and i guess people don't usually get into anything deep with people they don't know well. overall it was a fun trip.
first day of class was today. it went pretty well. went over to a friends house who had a bunch of people over to drink and cook out. it was fun. drinking makes you just not care about the things that bother you. i guess that can be good and bad, if its done right. i don't want to run from my problems though, thats not the solution... ok... i'm gonna get deep again, don't have anything else really to say...
one thing i know i need to work on. i'm missing seeing the good side of life. i think my anger towards God is blinding me from it. I do believe that life can be good.
I think i'll leave it on that note.
11:31 p.m. - 2003-01-09
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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