its really amazing. how we can all live in such different worlds while still all living in the same one. I was really depressed today, just feeling void of life, not wanting to do anything. So i decided to take the night off, feeling sick anyway. i started messing around on the internet and downloaded some music that one of my favorite local bands suggested. then i started reading journals on diaryland and downloading their favorite music. i ran across a lot of happy upbeat diaries and music and it was amazing how their life just seemed to pour right in me. they had such a strong will to live and to do things, the very thing i was lacking. it feels good to feel alive.
i don't know what to think about things. i have such a hard time with things if they don't make sense. i want to understand why i feel the way i do, and lately my logic has mainly brought me struggles and sadness. however, listening to all the good music and reading happy diaries made me feel happy even though none of my ideas on the world had changed. i still have lots of faith that God is a good God and that everything that was made is good, but i haven't been able to prove it lately. maybe my anger towards God did blind me from the good things in life and the music and ideas of these other people could see it clearly, so it couldn't help but run over to me.
i just don't know what to think about it all. part of me wants to stop reasoning all together and just fuel the fire of life that burns inside me. i'm sure there must be a balance, like there is with everything else.
well, writing in here is kinda dulling my emotional buzz, so i'm going to get back to it.
thank you, o people so full of life. thank you for your music, your ideas, and the happiness you greet us all with everyday.
10:15 p.m. - 2003-01-17
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