i've been meaning to keep this diary thing up a little more but i haven't really had much interesting to write. the emotional high i wrote about in my last entry unfortunately didn't last long. and that makes sense. i can't live off of other peoples good emotions; i have to somehow come up with my own.
i wish i could just write about everyday things in here. i wish i didn't have to write about how depressed i am and how i just can't seem to get any better. but there's no point to being dishonest.
i just found out that one of my best friends when i was little is getting married. i've been thinking about marriage lately. thinking about love. i don't know if i've mentioned it in here but i've almost lost my belief in romantic love. not completely but at times it looks like its going that way. sometimes it just seems like all it is is sexual interest. but then i remember what it was like when i thought i was in love and it sured seemed like more than that.
i've been thinking a lot about whats going to happen to me. these next couple of years should be interesting. the real world. i can't hardly even take the world i'm living in now. i HAVE to reverse this path i'm going down. I'm trying so hard to. I live life out of duty now, not out of enjoyment. I live because I have given my self no choice on the matter and because i know there are good things that need done and that there is the hope that things will get better and i can maybe happy someday. i think i know how a lot of people handle it. they avoid thinking about it the deep stuff and just try to make the most out of what they have and hope for the best. i wouldn't be surprised if thats what i end up doing. i don't want to give up on it yet though.
i've been wondering what the next life is going to be like lately. maybe to give myself something to look forward to.
i hate that i don't have anything interesting to put in here. i can remember when i started this diary and felt like i had so much interesting stuff to share....
Here's a poem i wrote awhile back that fits my mood rather nicely:
If i was wiser
i'd find a way
to get over my sorrow
and make the best of today
but i'm 19
going on infinity
and i'm hurting
along the way
-------------------
if anyone out there has some advice they want to give me about how i can be happy i'm all ears.
a good while back, last year probably, i was looking around about miracles and near death experiences and ran across this website:
http://www.afterlife-knowledge.com/real.html
it kind of messed me up. i guess i'm gullable. its so far out there. this guy talking about exploring the afterlife. he's got it all mapped out. and then i read the message board and it seemed like there were lots of people having similar bizarre experiences. i hope it doesn't mess anyone else up. i just thought it was so interesting i should share it and would really like to know what other people thought of it. I think that they're either making it all up, whacko, or its some mass placebo effect where they see what they think they will, but its still interesting.
i hope your lives are going better than mine.
1:00 a.m. - 2003-02-01
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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