well, i finally talked to the girl i'd been wanting to talk to. I was real nervous and it showed but i kind of accepted that that was probably going to happen. It actually didn't go too bad considering how nervous I was. I calmed down some after i got talking to her. I didn't appologize for my past behavior or even introduce myself, we just had casual conversation. I felt silly for making it into such a big deal after i talked to her. I get it into my head that a certain girl is perfect for me before i even get to know her. Thats a little silly. I'm glad I talked to her. Even if she doesn't have any romantic interest in me i'd still like to get to know her because she seems real cool. I'm not sure if she likes me or not. Hopefully I'll find out before too long.
Only about 5 or 6 weeks left of school.... I've taken this weekend to get serious about making post graduation plans. I've decided to stay where i am and find some sort of job. if i can't get an engineering job, then i'll take whatever i can get. i'm not strong enough emotionally right now to move off on my own to a job that i might not like.
me and one of my housemates were looking back on our college careers together. We were both sad that we hadn't persued girls anymore than we had because college is such an incredible opportunity to do that. I guess i'm a little scared of getting left behind.
i finally had somewhat of an uplifting moment in the midst of my constant depression this weekend. it came just as a thought really. I realized how self-absorbed i was getting, being all concerned about where my life was going. I agree that its good to be concerned about that but not overally concerned. It shouldn't be your main focus. Loving other people should be your main focus, because thats all life is really about anyway. granted you don't want to be poor and work a job you hate, but better that and love people rather than have lots of good stuff and live a life without love. i went to the museum over spring break and got really depressed looking at all the animals living in their tiny little cages. i felt like their lives must seem completely meaningless. but then i got to thinking about what would make something meaningful. and i came to the conclusion that our lives are just as meaningless except for when we love each other. thats really all that its about.
even though i had that helpful revelation, it by no mean solved all my problems or my depression, but it did help. i'm still confused and in pain about so many things, but at least i know one of the paths that i need to be traveling down.
finally went to church today, and found yet another church that i don't like. the sermon was pretty bad. i've been questioning Christianity a little more than normal lately. I think its been brought on by my anthropology class. that class has shown me how different we can be. it depresses me seeing how the primitive people lived, and to know that if i was born there i would have turned out the same way. we give pretty much all the credit of who we are to ourselves, but really, if we were in a different society we would be a lot different. I do agree though, that the good thing about our society and the access to education is that you can try to look at the whole picture of the world and try to shape yourself into the mold you think is best.
The current political situation is also very depressing. Now that i'm old enough to understand the significance of it all it hits me a lot harder. and makes the world seem like an even sadder more confusing place.
lately i've been finding myself singing the old nirvana song:
"there's something in the way"
Lord help us all.
10:23 p.m. - 2003-03-23
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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