finally got a chance to write in here. things have been going alright i guess. looks as though the girl that i've been writing about isn't too interested in me. i can't seem to catch her eye in passing and when i do she looks away before i can say hey. oh well....
i've been working real hard on facing reality and preparing to be in for the long haul. Its funny how i never really imagined myself going through all the phases or life. adulthood/marriage/gettingold/dying. now that i've really started to accept my mortality i'm accepting that i'll go through all the other phases too. its funny, i guess part of me thought i wouldn't make it, or i would just stay young forever. i don't know what it is. i think in the past i considered suicide as an option subconsciously or something. if things were too painful to want to live, i'd just kill myself. i don't know how this could be because my conscious self is very firm about no suicide no matter what. but i think my subconsious was thinking something else. i think maybe what it is is that i hadn't acknowledged my suicidal feelings because i didn't want to believe that i had them. lately i've started aknowledging that part of me really wants to quit. part of me is tired of life and has been tired of it for quite some time. too much pain and it only seems to be getting worse. but don't worry about me. i'm still completely firm about no suicide no matter what, i'm just acknowledging my feelings so that i can deal with them. the only girl that i thought i ever loved once told me that she thought i would kill myself. she said that i was exactly the type of person that would kill myself. this was way back in the 8th grade. what a terrible thing to tell someone. but still that was one thing i liked about her so much, her honesty. i told her that i wouldn't ever kill myself and that i didn't think i was that type of person but now i think i am. for the first time in my life i've been wondering if i'll be able to make it. i'm 99.9% sure i will, but for the first time in my life i doubt my strength to resist and overcome. i don't want this entry to be about this, because it hasn't been the majority of what i've been thinking about, but it has been on my mind some.
i've been getting really serious about wanting to get better (face life and progress in it) and doing whatever is required. i've been singing to God on my car rides home from school. that is helpful. its nice to hear your thoughts out loud. i'm so confused about the whole religion thing. wondering what the purpose of it all is. I've been praying to be able to feel and mourn lately. I think thats one of my biggest problems. i haven't really cried in about 10 years. I want to cry so badly. I need to be able to mourn but part of me really doesn't want to feel pain and would rather not care and just die. i really wish i could fix myself. my life is almost 1/4 of the way over, if i'm lucky. i want to live a good life and make things better. make peoples lives more enjoyable. i want to be able to love in a unrestrained manner. unfortunatly, i've wanted this for awhile and it seems very slow in the coming.
if i have a calling in this life that has been revealed to me it is one of 2 things. to help those that suffer from depression like me, or to play guitar, or both. They are the 2 things that when i do, i feel like life is purposeful, and that i'm doing what i should be doing. i need to look into jobs in those areas.... but i don't feel like i'm suited for being a psychiatrist, seeing as how i need one myself. as for playing the guitar... thats kind of a long shot. i'll always enjoy doing it, whether i get paid for it or not.
band stuff has actually been going real well lately. i don't think i've written much about it in here. i guess we've played around 9 or 10 shows now. they keep seeming to get more fun. i don't really get nervous much anymore. once i start playing i just enjoy it. its been great to see that people like us. we're starting to get some fans, other than the friends that we already knew being the only ones that come. its neat to give people something like that. to share your feelings with them through that kind of medium.
so much stuff has been on my mind lately. finishing up all my school projects so i can graduate, thinking and dealing with girls (more than normal for me), trying to figure out who i can live with and where we'll live at next year, trying to find a job, trying to figure out what to do about some of my relationships that haven't gone as well as i would like that will probably soon end with graduation.
well, i need to get some rest. i'm looking forward to after graduation when hopefully i'll have more time to devote to fixing my problems and doing some stuff i enjoy.
11:17 p.m. - 2003-04-10
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
kenny-loo
bliss-sad
duplicitous
lost-facade
realthoughts
perceptions