i should have grown up a long time ago.
my college career is almost over. i've got one thing left to present on tues. and then i'm pretty much done. hard to believe. as happy as i am to be done with the school work i've been more depressed than normal lately. (i really wish i could write about something other than being depressed). I'm worrying about not being able to find a job that i like. but i think i need to get over that. i've been completely burnt out on doing school work all the time for the past 2 years but i've still managed. i think my depression getting worse is mainly because i am becoming more and more aware of the realities of life. my grandpa recently got cancer and that has been real hard on me. and its starting to be more real to me that lots of other people that i love are going to die also, and i will have to spend a good deal of my life without them.
things feel so different now than when i was a kid. i used to enjoy living just for the sake of living. now i see that so many of the things we live for are bad and the good things in life like having true love for other people and peace with God, seem like they'll take a lifetime to achieve. I wish i was a better person. i wish my heart overflowed with selfless love. but i think partly as a result of being real depressed, i'm a selfish person and i'm having a hard time doing anything about it. i don't want to be the way i am. I do admit that i am starting to make some progress. A lot of the growing up that i've been doing lately, i should have done a long time ago. i guess better late than never though.
i really feel like giving up when it comes to girls. oh this reminds me of an important thing i realized lately. i think i found one of the sources of my problems. Unfortunately, I think my interpretation of Christianity is partly to blame. In the past I saw how terrible selfishness could make me. So instead of living for myself, i tried to completely deny my own desires. I would say, they don't really matter. All that matters is being right with God and loving him and each other. "He who saves his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." (i'm not sure where thats at in the Bible). This helped with my selfishness problem but i think its what made me apathetic. I still think that our loyality should be to God above ourselves, but I'm not sure God wants us to deny ourselves like I interpreted it. I'm confused about a lot of this right now as i'm writing it but i do have one good point i want to make. i acknowledge the fact that it is a very good thing for me to have a girl to love. It will by no means solve all my problems but it is a very good thing. A gift from God that He gave so that we could comfort each other in a very special way. So i have to learn to control my selfishness even while knowing that it really is a good thing that is to be desired. and i think that that goes for a lot of other things in life that i was doing this same thing to.
As depressed as I am right now, i think its important that i see where i stand rather than trying to be happy. i feel like i've progressed more now than when i would kind of pretent to be happy and just go with the flow. But i'm not completely sure.... I need some sleep.
11:08 p.m. - 2003-04-24
Recent entries:
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