I hate drama. Its funny how I seem to like watching it on tv, but when it really happens to me, i just want to run away. things have been real hard since i last wrote. i had been planning on staying here and trying to get a job so i could be around my college friends and still be with the band. a little over a week ago my housemate/bandmate got really mad over something stupid and it really upset me. it kind of brought to life the fears i had had about living with him. i had feared that he might do something like that. and since our housing plans keep getting more up in the air i took the opportunity to get out and just go back to my hometown cuz i didn't want to live with him anymore. The more i thought about it the more sense it made for me to go home for awhile too. But its been very hard and sad deciding to do that. all of a sudden telling my friends and bandmates that i won't be around any longer. its really sad to think of all the people i won't see too much anymore. the reality of growing up is also hitting me harder and harder, as always. i look back and am real sad that i wasn't together enough to take advantage of a lot of the opportunities i had here. There were 2 girls that i saw a lot of potential with but i was struggling with life too much and still too messed up when it comes to girls to take advantage of it. its really sad knowing that i'll probably never see them again, and that i just missed a great opportunity.
the band has been pretty understanding about me leaving but some of them are disappointed, especially that its ending like it is. I'm not all that disappointed about it though. I don't know if i'm cut out to be a performer.
its been real hard on me because i've been having to go through this so quickly. i don't deal well with my emotions and i am having a lot of them come at me. i've been trying to get ahold of all my friends to let them know i won't be around anymore and its been a sad process.
i really don't know what to think of life. i do know that i want to solve my problems that are holding me back from living life the best i can. i think one of the main things holding me back is that i sometimes have a hard time motivating myself to get better. i just don't see much hope. i don't see life as being worth it and would rather just lazily waste away until i die. i need to get over that. the things that help me there is thinking bout other people, my friends especially. of how we're all in this together and we can make each others lives better.
i saw one of my favorite bands, pedro the lion, not too long ago. he sang some new songs that aren't out yet. one of the songs had this to say, "hell has no flames, just a front row seat, to watch your one true love, pack their things and walk away". i'm not sure if i remembered it exactly but thats the jist. it just rang home with how painful life has been to me lately. one of my friends being hateful to me, having to say goodbye to a lot of my friends, and seeing potential true loves slip through my fingers because i can't overcome my problems. In the past pain caused me to run and hide, but now i think its causing me to try harder, or at least i hope it is.
1:15 p.m. - 2003-05-14
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
kenny-loo
bliss-sad
duplicitous
lost-facade
realthoughts
perceptions