back home in the house i lived my entire pre-college life in. it feels kind of weird being home. things are better than they were at my last entry. everything worked out rather smoothly with the moving away process. its weird realizing how temporary a lot of people are in your life. i hope i can keep up with a lot of my friends but i know that for some its probably just not going to happen. it was so weird saying goodbye to them. I kind of hoped it would be like the movies where somehow there is so much love and both people speak so eloquently that it makes it all ok. there wasn�t much of that. it was mainly just us both digesting the cold reality of the situation, unable to say anything to make it better.
I�m enjoying being around my family. i hadn�t been around them for an extended period of time in a long time. i don�t plan to be in the house for long but for right now its pretty pleasant. my parents and i have a lot we talk about. believe it or not, i even talked with my mom about my girl problems.... I told her about part of me just wanting to run away from the girls i see potential with and how i have to force myself to pursue them. she said that she had felt the same thing before, which surprised me. i bet she didn�t screw up as bad as me though. but anyway.
oh yea. i�ve changed my views on love recently. I�ve been reading scott peck�s The Road Less Traveled, which so far i�ve really liked. its like going to a shrink without paying the bill. his section on romantic love was real interesting. he explained what he thought falling in love was and why it couldn�t last. He explained that the love spouses share that lasts is more like normal love just in a more special case. He gave a long descriptive explanation of what falling in love was and he said something about how our misconception about it creates so much pain. he talks about how for awhile we feel like one entity with one desire but it is impossible for this to last because we are two separate people with separate desires. I�m going to have to go back and read it again cuz i�m a little confused about it, but this is kind of what i think about the whole thing now.
there are lots of people you can fall in love with.
you can fall in love more than once.
The magical ecstasy feeling of falling in love cannot last. All of your problems will not be solved and it will not secure happiness for you. The person you love will turn into a normal person again that you sometimes get mad at and have to work at loving. but i do believe you still have a special love for them that is special because of the relationship you share. You are special companions that love each other and comfort each other but at the end of the day the same problems that cause my depression still exist and their pain is not removed... only comforted.
so i guess my views on love really haven�t changed all that much because i haven�t believed that it would make me happy for some time. that being said, i�m still not too sure about all the other things about it.
here�s another interesting thing that the book said. in our spiritual/emotional/overall progress as individuals we are not able to eliminate our pain or our potential for pain. in fact, that pain and potential only get worse. But, the good thing is that our joy and our potential for joy also become greater. I was beginning to come to this conclusion on my own and had felt like the reason i think things are so bad is because i�m not able to see the joy in my life. I wish this was not the case though. I hate pain so much that i have a hard time wanting to do anything that would bring me more of it, regardless of the joy i could receive. he said that if this is the case we just don�t know joy well enough. i would like to know more about joy.
11:12 p.m. - 2003-05-30
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