well its time for me to write another entry but i don�t know what i�m gonna say. i�m just real tired of everything lately. tired of things being so hard. tired of trying and making little or no progress. tired of feeling like everyone else has an easier time than me. tired of feeling like God doesn�t care about us. tired of knowing how sad life can be and how that sadness seems to negate an possible happy things that come my way. tired of being tired. tired of being stuck in this state of sadness and confusion.
things were so great when i felt at peace with God, and felt that I was doing God�s will. when i thought that God was pure goodness and was always good to us. yes, things were good then. i enjoyed living.
i�m beginning to think that my depression isn�t quite as logical as i once thought. i still think it has some very logical origins but that my perception on those realities are playing a big part. i used to think that i was depressed because i was able to see reality clearly and it was depressing, but we all look at things with different eyes and see different things, and i�m not so confident about the clarity of my vision anymore. it could be that i�m just seeing reality and that its my nature to be depressed about it. for some, its there nature to be happy about it. i think a shrink would just say i wasn�t loved enough as a child....
by the way.... an interesting fact that i heard, but can�t recall precisely: in my psychology class we learned that there was a situation where babies were placed in containers and had almost no physical contact with anyone. almost half of those babies died. there were still feed and all those kinds of needs were met, yet still, almost half died. crazy huh.
to be honest, i�m pretty sure being at home is making me more depressed. i miss my college friends. not many of my friendships from hs survived and most of those that did aren�t around this summer. i need to call a lot of the friends that i drifted away from but i�m reluctant to do that. they were the cool, druggie crowd and i�m afraid they�d still be that way. but i guess it would still be good to stop by and see if they�d changed and just to say hi. i guess part of me wants to hide because i feel pathetic and i don�t want them to see me this way. that was the hard thing about hs; everyone was competing with each other and there was too much pride and not enough love.
i think the way i�m going to have to get better is to suck it up and try harder.
here�s some more random info about me, since i can�t think of anything else to write:
i (like most people) have an interesting dreaming history
when i was about 5 i started having nightmares constantly. everytime i would fall asleep. i would wake up about 4 times a night just terrified. this went on for about 5 days. during those 5 days i decided i had to figure out some way to beat this. so i decided that when i was dreaming i needed to figure out that it was a dream and then i wouldn�t be scared. i got to where i could do this and thats how i stopped my nightmares. i then started playing around in my dreams with this idea of being aware that i was dreaming. i remember one time the bad guys were running at me and then i figured it was a dream and turned and ran at them. they were stunned and didn�t know what to do, and then i woke up. other times i would figure out it was a dream and jump off things. this wasn�t a constant thing some dreams i wouldn�t figure out i was dreaming, but as i got older i think i got better at it and it eventually became a problem. i felt like i was always conscious in my dreams. even tho i was asleep the night seemed to last about 2 hours. i felt conscious throughout what felt like all my dreams. i ended up feeling tired all the time and really desired to have rest that when i hit the pillow i was out until morning. i think our dreams are very necessary for our functioning and they don�t work if you�re aware you�re dreaming, so i don�t recommend trying it. somehow i got better at not knowing that i�m dreaming and now i�m almost normal about it. in fact i don�t remember my dreams much anymore. in addition to all of that i�ve also had a lot of dreams about death, i bet u wouldn�t have guessed that...lol
i�ve been murdered about 10 times i would guess. shot or stabbed or something like that. most of the time the dream ends (usually occurs when i kind figure out i'm dreamind) or i wake up as i'm dying. but there has been some occasions where i'm left in blackness thinking that i've really died and wondered what was coming next.
i�ve died and gone to heaven twice.
i�ve died and gone to hell once. that was the scariest experience of my life and caused me to repent and get saved. it felt like so much more than a dream.
i�ve been eaten by a dinosaur
fallen off cliffs repeatedly
drowned several times
died in a hydrogen bomb probably 4 times (because of T2 probably)
i�ve also dreamed about the end of the world probably 2 or 3 times
i had one dream about reincarnation that was really weird. i was amongst hundreds of other people going into this gigantic flower like thing. once we got inside i saw people get turned into flies or something and fly away. i also saw people get chained together to form plants or something weird that i can�t explain. it was a scary dream, but not too scary. mainly just freaky.
i�ve had dreams where there are 2 or more of me and sometimes of other people. usually there is the real one and then an evil imposter.
i�ve dreamed i was someone else.
i once figured out that i was dreaming and went up to someone in my dream and asked them if they knew that this was a dream. they said they thought so, but weren�t sure. i asked if they were real and someone else they said they thought so. i don�t think they were though.
dreams interest me. well, u probably think i�m going to be a shizo now, but i bet u all have some pretty crazy dreams too. i probably do worry about my sanity a little more than others tho....
well, i�ve done my disclosing for the night.
later
12:16 a.m. - 2003-06-10
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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