here�s bits and pieces of my recent personal journal entries.
wed. june 11
got a call for a job interview. that was good. kinda made me sad tho.?. i guess cuz it makes me realize how my life is moving on towards death, and it looks like i�ll never be satisfied and will have to continue to live in this type of state
Tues. June 17, 2003
felt real depressed the other night about how much of our lives we spend working. and then we get old, have problems, and die. i lost my spiritual focus on the whole thing. thats whats important. i need to read some scott peck tonight. i probably need to call some friends sometime too.
Thurs. June 19, 2003
i�m feeling depressed. i just don�t want to find a job or to call my old friends. i just want to wake up from this dream. i just don�t really want to live. but this isn�t anything new. the psychology book is actually pretty depressing. i learn about how screwed up most of us are. they are serious problems and it seems a lot of us have them. and it seems that sometimes we have to be helped to get through them if we ever do. Where is God in all of that.
problem with wanting to go out and do something:
whats the point? i can�t be happy. nothing that happens that evening could make me happy so why go out and be surrounded by people that seem like they can be happy. maybe they�ll rub off on me?
when i was reading the road less traveled i saw all these peoples problems and how serious they were and i was scared about what the cause of my problems is.
wishing for clarity, wishing for peace.
Sunday June 22
i hate that pride still limits me as much as it does. theres a lot of cool things one could do if he wasn�t worried about pride.
Religion has been frustrating me as usual. i just don�t know what to trust. i�ve been extra confused cuz of how much its seems we have to go against our emotions.
i feel different than the past but i think i�m just now discovering something that has been with me a long time. an unsettling feeling, something bothering me that i need to fix and can�t seem to fix. Christianity being real just seems kind of odd to me, but yet that is what i continue to believe.
i think there is purpose, there is meaning, jumbled in the billions of strands of life. it would be so weird if there wasn�t. but i guess the question is, what is that meaning? we seem to in the past search for meaning by seeing how we relate to the universe, assuming that we are the most important and are at the focal point of the universe. why do we assume this is the case? Yes Christ came and died for our sins, so we are pretty important. but in the grand scheme of things we may not be as important as we think.
mon. June 23, 2003
but life doesn�t seem to be about doing the things you want to do; it seems to be about doing the things that need done, and you usually don�t want to do them. its hard living trying not to have pride. its such a motivator. a bad one, but one nonetheless.
what is my motivation? being at peace with God is seeming more and more unattainable, or at least the peace i was looking for.
romantic love doesn�t last and there is nothing more than the love that we have with everyone, which is good, but this still is a let down. and it makes sense. if it was so great and solved all your problems and made u happy u would be happy without living for other people.
the world is full of problems and they all seem so hard to solve. and it seems pointless cuz there are so many that will never get solved. i know that it matters to the individual but its still frustrating.
i�m going to get some type of job, get old, marry or not marry, get older, get real old, and die. will i be asking these same questions? will i be struggling with the same things? will i be unhappy? Beethoven shook his fist in the air when he died; i don�t want to feel like doing that.
things are pretty black and white with me. it seems like i have joy and everything is ok, or i don�t and things are bad. i don�t feel satisfied unless i can rationalize how everything is ok in the end. and to me it seems that if that isn�t attainable why bother struggling to make things mildly better?
i feel like i need to solve my problems before i do anything else, but i don�t think i can solve my problems.
10:57 p.m. - 2003-06-25
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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