not good times right now. i had surgery a couple of weeks ago (nothing too serious), and in the recovery process i ended up hurting my neck. its not all that bad and is getting better but has made me come to terms with the seriousness of the physical problem i have with my neck. i�m going to have to try going to a specialist about it, i think.
i know this probably isn�t the most interesting stuff, but i felt like i should write and this is whats on my mind. i also hate to reveal some of these problems, but in the spirit of honesty i think its best.
i�m starting to believe that your physical well-being affects your emotional well-being more than i originally thought. my depression, lack of energy, and neck problem all kind of escalated at the same time. and its one of those darn perpetuating cycles. neck problems make me depressed, being depressed makes my posture worse and my muscles tenser, which makes my neck hurt worse. and the snowball rolls down the mountain, getting bigger and bigger.
i�ve recently wrote about not believing in romantic love in the same way anymore. i feel i need to clarify this. i still believe that romantic love is a real, beautiful, and very important thing. actually, i just read my old entry on �guy talking about girls�, and i don�t think i changed the way i believe at all. I just believe more deeply about what i wrote then, specifically about falling in love not solving your problems. and more specifically, i don�t believe that the ecstasy of falling in love, and how you feel your beloved is perfect and the two of you are united as one being, will last. I�m still not too sure about all this tho, and am certainly no authority figure, but the guy who helped convince me kinda is. In scott peck�s (who is a psychiatrist) �the road less traveled� he talks about how much the myth of how the ecstasy of falling in love is supposed to last forever causes so much harm to people. another interesting thing he said, somewhat jokingly, was that the church is what keeps him in business. he basically said that religion that comes before skepticism is harmful and religion that comes after skepticism is helpful. he says that your religion needs to be what you yourself have worked through and come to believe and not just what your parents handed down to you.
another helpful thing i�ve come upon recently is that i think i�ve decided to no longer worry about the nature of God. I have faith that God is good and i�m just going to leave it at that. i think its been causing me a lot of distress worrying about this. If God is good, well then everything is good and there�s no use worrying about it, and if God is bad, well everything is bad and you�re better off not knowing it, so worrying about it seems pointless. i�m still going to search for God and try to understand his nature, because i want to better understand the reality of the world and become closer to God, but i�m not going to worry about it.
once i finish healing up from my surgery i�ll be able to get out more and hopefully have more interesting uplifting things to talk about.
6:23 p.m. - 2003-07-21
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