i've kinda been in a writer's slump for some reason lately. maybe cuz i'm just in a general slump. my job isn't as good as it used to be. interesting how things usually seem better at first. but its just contract work so its nice that there is no real commitment. i'll keep working at it til something better comes along. my health hasn't been doing good either. my surgery just won't get better and i'm beginning to worry that i made myself worse by havin it. i've talked with my preacher again lately and its kinda depressed me that he doesn't have any better answers to my questions than he has.
here are some previous entries i wrote but never got around to adding. they show how different my personality can be on different days, which has recently been puzzling me.
Aug. 25
i�ve been wanting to write some one liners in dland for awhile.. here�s some of them:
i serve God more out of fear, i think, than out of love
the most humble i ever felt was when i realized that i was incapable of being humble
sayings (paraphrased) from other people:
the better you think you are, the worse you are. the worse you think you are, the better you are.
if there was no meaning to the universe, we would never have found out that it had no meaning.
C.S. Lewis
Neurosis is the norm, not the exception.
the avoidance of legitimate suffering is the root cause of all neuroses
perhaps no myth has caused more pain and suffering than the myth of romantic love
(somewhat jokingly) the church is what keeps psychiatrists in business
Scott Peck
lately, the happiest moments in my life come randomly and seemingly without a cause. just driving down the road on a sunny day listening to a song i like. or remembering how cool it was being little and looking out at the town from the top of a mountain at night. and for a brief moment, i am happy and feel privileged to be alive. in those moments i feel that everything is ok. when people i love die, it will still be ok. and when i die, it will be ok. its weird how it comes so randomly like it does. i wonder if its just my body affecting my mood. i doubt it. it seems more substantial than that. cuz even after its over part of it stays with me.
. i�m gonna write down some of the happy moments in my life:
driving back from snowshoe listening to smashing pumpkins following my friends on a pleasant sunny day, with snow still on the ground.
skiing on the halfpipe
skiing with my old good high school friends that great day of snow at our favorite local ski resort. skiing right thru lunch and watching my friend eat 2 12� subs afterwards.
riding back from skiing. with the radio going talking with my friends.
playing ping pong with my best highschool friend.
times when it seemed i was going to finally have a successful romantic relationship
riding the waves with my cousin
playing the best music i�ve ever played with the guys on my floor the last day of school
being in the hot tub at night
just hanging out in the dorms
hiking with my college friends
riding late at night on one of our college road trips
listening to �fields of gold� as the sun was starting to set taking the last tram of the day to the top of the mountain at jackson hole.
watching my college friend catch a break and getting to play in a bowl game against his favorite team.
talking with my first roomate about God for about 1 or 2 hrs one night.
watching the sunset from the top of the library
going to a haunted houses on halloween
walking back to the car at night after a good night of skiing
having a good long session of playing my guitar with cds or the radio
having one of my long conversations with the first and only girl i felt i fell in love with
riding bikes with my friend when i was real little
pool parties
trick or treating
waking up to toys on Christmas day
riding in the car on a beautiful summer day.
petting and playing with my dog
going to a club with my best friend in high school cuz we were finally old enough to drive and go out at night.
September 3
i�m not doing well. my surgery won�t get better and i�m worried i messed myself up by having it. i feel so doomed. that no matter how hard i try, the things i want the most i can never have.
i dreamed i watched someone jump to their death the other night. i think part of me thought i was watching myself at a later date. (don�t worry, i�m not suicidal)
i�m supposed to live for other people and God. Love other people and God and then I�ll be happy. maybe, sunbeams are never made like me........... it feels like there�s nothing i can do about it. i could do good things but it wouldn�t make me happy. maybe i need to just try more and see what happens.
I love myself, better than you. i know its wrong.... but what should i do?
kurt cobain
poems:
�chiropractors�
icy fingers
nothing feels real
fallen posture
tables made of steel
the pushes
the twists
the cracking
of my neck
the ceiling
above
looking down at me
in total apathy
�guilty �
the only way
i know to live
is to repent constantly
for what i am
for what i do
for what i think
i�m sick of living
life this way
am i wrong
to want to leave?
but i know
there is no escape
not for me
(these poems don't represent the way i believe, just the way i sometimes feel)
11:29 a.m. - 2003-09-04
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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