(I've been wanting to put the new music i write available from this website and finally got it up and running. Its the link under my diaryrings. This is my first time using Besonic.com but so far its been great. No fees, i don't think theres a limit on the number of songs u can put up, and it only took one day for my song to appear on the webpage after I uploaded it.)
trying to remember what all has happened since last update.....I�ve been feeling better lately for reasons i�ll get into momentarily, but i�m starting to struggle with my upswing a little bit.... anyway here are some of the things that got me in a better mood.
September 13, 2003 Saturday
i think my suffering is just. God has kind of an elegant way of punishing those that are selfish, and i feel that most of my suffering is because i�m selfish. its funny that it makes me happy to know that i deserve it. this came from reading man�s search for meaning (by victor frankl, recommended to me by realthoughts. btw, thanks, i enjoyed it.). talking about how when people are afraid of something they cause it to happen and when they want something very badly they make it impossible for them to get. i think this is what i�ve done with girls. my selfishness of wanting a gf so badly has blinded me from seeing that the whole point of it is not having a gf but loving someone genuinely and if that turns into a relationship then thats good but if it doesn�t then thats good too. It makes me so happy to think that the world is just and God has laid it out in a way that, on many many levels is unjust, but on the spiritual level of pain and suffering is just. It makes me see my depression, and my spiritual suffering, as justice being served. And by seeing it that way, it becomes an ally to help me go down the right path. Where before i think i was more tormented by the fact that i felt my suffering and the world were unjust, than the discomfort that they actually caused.
September 14 2003 Sunday (adapted from private entry)
My Sunday school class made a healing/prayer quilt for N-----, a lady that we know who has cancer. Things look pretty bad for her right now. She is the Mom of one of my friends. many of us who went know her well. She seemed very strong and in good spirits. I was so happy to see her that way. She seemed to really like our prayer quilt. We then joined hands and went around in a circle saying prayers for her. I prayed that the Lord would be with her, guide her, give her strength, and heal her. As the prayer circle continued it was very powerful and moving. I could feel each person�s love and their strong desire for God to help and heal her. I could feel the love that one person has for another. the common humanity. we know what its like to feel alone and to be afraid of dying; it runs so deep and it is so powerful when it is expressed like it was today. N----- seemed to be one of the calmest among us. Most of us ended up crying. I ended up crying. Thats first time i�ve cried in public since i was little, and the realist crying i�ve probably done since then. It felt so good to feel and cry again. it was so sad of course but it came from a feeling of love. feeling everyone else�s love around me. and the sadness and love moved me to tears. as the girl beside me was speaking she got real emotional so i held her hand a little tighter and tried to give her love in that way. The lady beside me had done the same for me. thats what we need to be doing more of in this life. we need to be giving more hugs letting each other know that we love each other in that kind of way. Thats one of the biggest comforts we can feel in this life. Thank you God for allowing me to feel and be part of that love, and in doing that, allowing me to cry and to feel. experiencing that makes me want to live life more than i had before. it felt like that in the end, no matter what the out come, it was really important and meaningful that we did that. and i want to do more important and meaningful things. it also made me see how selfishness can keep is from doing a lot of good things like that. my nervousness and fear of what others would think of me almost kept me from doing a very important meaningful thing, and that would have been a shame. i need to keep my selfishness from doing that, and I think my life would be a lot more meaningful and i would be making a lot better impact on the world.
Another idea from the �Mans search for meaning� book that I like is the following:
Many people ask me what the meaning to life is. I tell them to think of it this way. Life has poised the question to you. It has asked you, what the meaning of life is. And you answer by the way you live your life.
I�ve been living that way more lately. I haven�t been thinking quite as much, i�ve been more focused on doing. I still believe that thinking is important and still do my fair share, but i think its good that I balanced it out a little bit more.
In other news......
I�ve been thinking a lot lately about what i want to do with my life. its best that i plan it all out now, cuz it�ll be hard to change further down the road, and might be impossible. i don�t want to just get thru life and go where it takes me. i want to live my life the best i can.... I haven�t really come to any conclusions yet tho. there are several roads i could travel. i could be a normal engineer, but that doesn�t excite me too much. but if i decide to do that i think that i can focus on the other side of life, helping/loving others enough so that my life feels worthwhile. part of me wants to do something that i�m really passionate about tho. like music or being some type of cutting edge scientist. i�ve thought that being a composer for movies sure would be fun, but thats a real long shot. it�d be fun to devote so much of my time to music tho. lately i�ve been playing the piano a lot, more so than guitar. i think my subconscious has decided that thats the way i need to go. i just can�t physically put the practice in with the guitar i want to without hurting my neck. at least i have a piano.
as far as the scientist thing goes. that would be kind of fun too. but it would probably require so much of my time that i wouldn�t have much left for people. it still really excites me to work on some frontier of science.
i�ve also considered going into psychology since thats what i spend most of my time thinking and reading about..... but there is the same problem i have with going into something with the church. I can�t even save myself, much less save someone else. sure would be nice if i got things figured out eventually. but i don�t think thats the way its gonna be, as i�ve said before. i think i just have to live more, the best i can, doing good, loving, meaningful things.
11:30 p.m. - 2003-09-19
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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