I feel a good bit different now than i did when i wrote that last entry. unfortunately my upswings typically don�t last that long, as was the case recently. the idealistic thoughts of the last entry i still think have value and truth to them but i don�t currently believe things are as black and white as i often try to paint them.
currently depressed and wondering how much logic there is to it.... I drove across the state to a job interview thurs. and stayed with my college friends the rest of the weekend. i should be coming off a high from that but i was kind of depressed even as it was happening. when i get depressed it doesn�t seem to matter too much what i do; i stay depressed. life just doesn�t seem worth it to me right now. almost all i see is work, and for what? what is the payoff? life, i guess.... but when life feels painful it doesn�t feel like much of a payoff. i need something to drive me and something to take the pain away.
I feel so unsatisfied. I feel like life is a big letdown. I wonder what it is i�m missing that makes me the way i am, and everyone else seem happier than me.
I don�t even know if i want to know the answers anymore, if there even are any....
I feel like the overwhelming theme of my life is anger at the world and at God. Bitterness. I feel that the world owes me a great deal. Its evident in my guitar playing and i think is what keeps me generally unhappy most of the time.
people are such a big part of life. i�ve had to leave my college friends, i don�t want to leave my family and my other friends. whats the point of living if we�re always doing this? i just don�t understand much tonight. i feel much younger than 22 right now. I know i need to be focusing more on what i can do to help others, but sometimes its real hard not to be selfish.
10:55 p.m. - 2003-10-05
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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