sometimes i find myself bewildered, thinking... is this really me living this life. is this me doing all these things? being so individualistic? struggling with these kinds of problems? living this kind of life? having this current conversation with this person? then i have to just move on and live. i�ve had these periods of amazement ever since i was a little kid. part of me feels like i�m different than everyone else and is amazed when it sees me doing things that are so standard, being just like everyone else.
i need to find a good job. i need to at least get a decent temp. job until i find a real job. i feel like a plane that is stalling, a marathon runner who realizes he�s expending all his energy about � of the way into the race. nevertheless, i need to be working. i�m very depressed and only seem to be concentrating on getting my neck fixed, but i need to work while i do that.
i feel all out of compassion, all out of almost everything. but thats ok. u don�t have to always feel stuff to do it. you don�t always have to feel love to do loving things. but it sure makes it easier and more fun.
i went to a friend�s wedding this weekend. makes me feel old and immature. because i can�t imagine getting married right now.
i think one of my problems is that i just don�t accept this reality. i�ve found it easier to deal with things that way. if you don�t accept it you don�t have to suffer all the pain that comes with life. sure, some pain is unavoidable, but a lot of it is. thats why i think i hardly ever cry anymore. i feel that to cry, i would have to accept the complete reality of things and i just don�t want to do that. i want to keep going, as numb and painfree as possible, until there comes along another reality that i�m willing to accept. this isn�t a good way to live.
i�m so pathetic. not how i pictured myself at 22. i guess the first step is to admit that you have a problem. but i�ve been on that step for quite some time now. i�m ready to move on but i feel like i don�t have much control in the matter.
11:07 p.m. - 2003-10-19
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
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