well, another week goes by. i think i liked this week alright tho. it seemed a little more purposeful than some others, even tho i can�t point to what exactly happened. i�ve been thinking a lot about paradoxes lately. how maybe the imperfections that we gripe so much about in this world are really necessary for its beauty...?.. How the world can be so sad and painful and yet so beautiful and amazing. how the evidence in the world seems to simultaneously support and refute the existence of a God. things that make you go hmmmmm.... anyway here�s some bits and pieces of my private entries from this week:
October 29, 2003 Wednesday
You�re heading towards disaster.
Those are the words the chiropractor says to me as i stand looking at the lighted photographs that are my depression and my pain. You�re headed towards disaster. it echoes back in forth in my mind. this chiropractor seems to give a completely different story as to why my neck is in the shape it is, and how to fix it. I expect that if/when i go to get a 3rd opinion they�ll tell me something different too. they do seem to agree on one thing tho. i�m heading towards disaster.
there is a famous catholic named padre pio who once said that if we knew the value of suffering we would ask for nothing else. i�ve thought about this a lot. i definitely see a certain layer of truth to it. when all the things that temporarily satisfy us disappear we are left with no other option than to try to find fulfillment in God, or the meaning to our lives, or probably both simultaneously. but i don�t think i agree with this statement as he has written it. Pain can cripple us and make ourselves incapable of doing the thinking that would be needed to find fulfillment in God. Maybe Padre would argue with me on that.
November 1, 2003 Sat.
why i like rock n roll:
i like the honesty often present. it often accumulates into a energetic scream of defiance. i can relate to that. i like watching the drummer beat hard and skillfully on the drums as if they are the source of his problems and he is letting them have it. or that the monster that keeps him down is present and the only way to defeat it is to play the hell out of the drums. same way with guitar except not quite as visual.
i like the camaraderie of it the most i think tho. to know that you�re not alone and that its ok to be sad, and to be all the other emotions as well. we can be sad together. we can face life together.
i like turning feelings into something that you can almost taste. that gets inside your soul and lets you feel something someone else has to give you. its kind of like a sharing of our diviness, or uniqueness, or however you want to look at it. my favorite moment of being in a band wasn�t the crowd�s applaud or getting our first encore, it was when a random guy that i would have probably never met came up to me and told me how much he liked one of the lyrics to our songs and quoted it for me. it made me feel like all the music i had done and all the time spent was so worth it because i was able to give that part of me to him and it just felt beautiful.
i feel the need to take the gloves off:
whats up. what is the deal. is it really you�re neck hurting thats making you give up at life like this? have u really given up? do u just use this confusion as an excuse?
i don�t know what i want anymore. my body tells me one thing, my logical mind something else, my emotional mind something else. i don�t know who to trust. who to listen to. where to go. i know i should just do the best i can. lets try that. what should i do? love everyone and live life the best you can, be it as hard and as confusing as it may be, its still meant to be lived. progress can be made. life is worth living. part of me just wants to write songs and hide from life. hide, yes thats a good way to put it. and apathy. yes apathy is present again. apathy mixed with pain. when you�re in pain its just not fun living. its not fun going out and pretending to have fun and trying to meet a girl. what do i want with a girl when i�m unhappy all the time anyway. when i�m in pain all the time anyway. when i fear the future and question how i could possibly find joy in continuing to live. when all your left with is the stuff the Bible says is good and you�re intellect says is the only stuff that matters but its not fun and just doesn�t seem to work.
nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters. nothing really matters, to me.
(please excuse my tendency to be overdramatic. things aren�t really that bad, i think i just needed to get all that whining out.)
10:54 p.m. - 2003-11-02
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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