When i was young and first saw the evils of money, and how it could make me greedy, i tore up my money while crying and through it in the trash. my mother came over to me and told me that that wasn�t the way to deal with money. that we had to use it, just be careful with it not to make us greedy. this problem has stayed with me through the years; not with money but with other things. I tried to have no desires so that I wasn�t a bad person. I thought that thats what Christianity was telling you to do, and in a way, might be, i�m not sure. But i think its good to have desires, just don�t be selfish about them, don�t let them turn you into an evil person. i like things to be black and white, right and wrong, and perhaps the most reoccurring theme i�ve seen in my life is one of balance. feeling your emotions without letting them take control of you, wanting a girlfriend without being obsessive about it, searching for God and meaning in life while continuing to just simply live it, living for others but not neglecting yourself, being honest yet tactful, knowing your intellectual limits while still holding to some of your convictions, having a firm grip on reality while sometimes letting yourself go and playing with dreams and the mysteriousness of life.
In other news....i�ve done a fair amount of driving lately, and have kind of enjoyed it. I like how you briefly come in and out of people�s consciousness for just one brief moment in their life. You�re all on your own little journeys, yet living in the same world. i like pretending that we�re all going to different worlds or dimensions but we briefly see each other in the common transitory world that is the interstates and roads. this got me thinking and i enjoyed pretending that we�re each living a story in a universe that starts, once upon a time, in a land far away. because really, thats kind of like what we�re doing. except this life is a lot harder, sader, and confusing than most fairy tales i�ve read about. still its probably just as strange, interesting, and exciting as most fantasies. kind of interesting thinking about our lives and our world like a story. Saint Augustine's Confessions has this one part where he gives one way that helps him cope with death. His says that our lives are like words in a sentence. A word has to start and stop and go on to new words in order to create meaning. Just like how our lives have to start and stop. I guess that kind of goes along with the thinking about how sadness is necessary for happiness. I guess maybe death is necessary for meaning.... or maybe not, just a thought.
11:03 p.m. - 2003-11-09
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