I�ve been trying to write an entry in here for awhile but haven�t been able to. i guess its cuz i�ve felt pretty pathetic lately and thats not something i want to talk about or something that i think people would enjoy reading. but oh well, i�m trying to make this journal more about honesty than about entertainment.
in seriously need to stop running from my problems. i�m getting better at this but still need a lot of improvement. in the past i would try to compensate for my social inadequacies but doing things that i was good at. first it was sports, then guitar, now i think i might be doing it again; this time with my mind. i�m trying to make myself feel good by learning lots of stuff and feeling smarter. (not to say that learning doesn't have its place or isn't valuable, because i certainly believe it is. But i just need to remember to have balance and not focus on it too much) In certain areas i give up, blame it on my upbringing or physical situation or just say i can�t do it and then sit and philosophize why i can�t, instead of just getting out there and trying harder. i�ve been just accepting how i am. accepting my limitations because i�m just tired of trying and feeling inadequate. which gets back to my idea of how pride shackles us in life more than anything else. i need to take my own advice. i need to have more courage, and more faith. i�m not sure if i am my own worst enemy or if things really are this tough for me and theres nothing i can do about it. but i know that negative thoughts do have a big impact on you and i should try harder to have positive thoughts.
having such a hard time finding a job i think is being kind of hard on me too. i�m not sure why.... when i look for a job so much all day i get into this mindset that your job is your whole life and that just really depresses me. it helps when i realize that the point to life is life and all its many aspects. and having a job is just one of the ways you spend your time.
i haven�t been feeling good lately. i�ve been feeling like i�m just trying to get thru life and thats not a good thing. i know its probably that i�m just being selfish and getting caught up in my own life. thats usually why i feel bad. if i could just accept what my place is here. that life isn�t about me or maximizing my fun. life is about something more than that. growing spiritually, loving others, growing closer to God, and just living. i can really struggle with selfishness.
Religious struggles have also been taking their toll on me lately. Sometimes its really hard for me to be in church. In a lot of ways its great. To see a lot of people who are so strong and are trying so hard in this life. And coming together to worship God and try to make ourselves better people is very helpful to be around. But at the same time it is sometimes real hard for me, just going through my doubts and everything. we had a sentence prayer today in Sunday School and i got all emotional/nervous and even ended up with some tears running down my face. it was just painful for me i guess. i so miss what i once had. that childlike faith and how everything worked out just fine.
life is so different for so many people. in my suffering i discover how blessed i am, but lament the fact that others have had it so much worse. life just isn�t adding up at all to me right now.
9:41 p.m. - 2003-11-23
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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