my jobs got me all stressed out. its been real hard and stressful. i found a flaw in the product that i became the engineer for and now i don�t even know if we�re going to be able to redesign it so we meet their requirement.... i so wish i didn�t stress about things as much as I do.... i�ve been working a lot and am scared about how much i might end up working this month to meet the deadline. so i�m depressed and anxious about all of this.
i�ve decided that i need to find friends who are like me desperately. i wanted to be able to be friends with whoever i meet, but i just don�t fit it with the people i�m meeting.
i went to church by myself today. it was so nice to be around people that are into the spiritual. its so comforting to know that you aren�t alone in that respect. even tho going to church brings pleasure and pain. Pleasure from being around people wanting to grow closer to God and love each other more, pain from the problems I have with the specifics of Christianity. the church i�m going to has support groups for things like depression. i�m thinking about doing it..... one of the things the sermon was about was not trying to do it all on your own. i think i try to do that sometimes. but i admit that i need help and that really, i think the biggest chance we have is if we all come together and try to work it out together.
i�ve been struggling to keep myself motivated to live life. but lately, probably cuz i�ve been working so much, life just seems like a chore with very little payoff.
i wonder what i�m cut out for...? it feels like everything i try to do i�m just not cut out for. except for music, but thats such a long shot, especially with my neck problem preventing me from practicing guitar much.
i�m sorry i�m whining so much in this entry....
i think i�ve got anger issues that are more than just with God. i�ve been trying to resolve them. one i think was with an old middle school bully. i felt kind of silly at first for admitting it but i was still mad as hell at him and wanted to find him and get revenge or something. i forgave him and prayed for him. i hate feeling hate. i really do.
sometimes this world makes no sense to me and i don�t enjoy being a part of it. i�m so selfish with such a lack of faith. do i not realize that my current circumstances are making me feel down like this and that the overall status of the goodness and meaningfulness of life hasn�t change?
i don�t know whether its a good idea or bad idea to put something beautiful against the ugliness of this entry up to this point. but i�ve been meaning to write about it., and it really is a beautiful thing that i�ve been wanting to share.
one of my friend�s Mom (from church back home) had a tumor and things looked really bad for her. the tumor was really big. my Sunday school class made a healing quilt for her and delivered it to her and all held hands in a circle and prayed for her. (see my dland entry on it: (a more just world, and an encounter with a more meaningful life) scroll down to sept 14) praying for her that day felt like one of the most meaningful things i�ve ever done. the spiritual love that was shared was amazing. about 1 month ago she was going in to have surgery to remove the tumor. it was a last resort, because the operation was so dangerous, because the tumor was so big. i prayed for her again the day she went to surgery. What happened was amazing. She went into surgery and they found that there was nothing there to remove! I waited awhile before I shared this because i wanted to make sure i heard the news right and that something wouldn�t show up later showing that the doctor�s somehow made a mistake. She is still doing well! no signs of a tumor that i�ve heard about it! I saw her in church last time i went to church at home and seeing the smile on her face as she walked down the iles greeting people was one of the most beautiful things i�ve ever seen. I truly believe it was a miracle, for i can�t see it being anything else. a miracle that made me so happy. i know some people have a hard time believing in stuff like this... i�m skeptical too when i hear a story about it. you�ll just have to take me at my word and know that if i were to lie about this it would be against everything this journal is about (which is being honest as a means of finding the truth). i don�t understand why miracles will happen to one person and not another. but it didn�t make me any less happy that it happened for her. as skeptical as i am about things, i do believe in the power of prayer, and I am so thankful for the miracle God gave her. it felt so good to say, and feels so good to say again, Praise God!
that helped lift my spirits writing about that. it helped get me out of this �me� mode. sometimes i get mad that the world�s not all about me, but other times its a great relief.
4:11 p.m. - 2004-03-07
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
kenny-loo
bliss-sad
duplicitous
lost-facade
realthoughts
perceptions