jobs still got me stressed out, but i think i might be handling it a little bit better. went to Sunday school at church today and met a fair amount of people. that was good. i need to meet people with close to the same values as me very desperately right now. not to sound like a church advertisement or something but, church is really a good place to meet people, if you�re wanting to meet church people that is. planned social events, everybody is friendly, and you know that the type of stuff you like to do will likely mesh with what they like to do. part of me wanted to argue with some of the simplistic Christian doctrine they were teaching tho. it was a fairly open sincere study tho so thats good. i�m not sure how well that type of argument would have gone over tho. still, its the anti-questioning attitude that turns so many people off to church tho. and they throw away the baby with the bath water ( i think i used that saying right....) i don�t think church has reached its fullest potential. or at least not most of the ones i�ve been too. but i can kind of see why it is the way it is. the place for the real questioning i think is better set in a smaller group environment at a Bible study or something like that at someone�s house. i was in a Bible study one time that was actually really good. instead of just going over these prefab lessons people were actually talking about how they really felt. one person that had just smiled and gone along with everything opened up to let us know that he just didn�t believe anymore. we got into a lot of the stuff that we really think about it, all the problems we have with it as well as some of the things that amazes us. and it was great. that type of connection between souls struggling together in this life to find meaning, peace, God, and love was something of extreme worth. no cruise, ski vacation, spring break fantasy, or dream job could compare. granted that one special time was few and far between but i believe it could happen a lot more, i just have to seek it out more. dland is one form of this, a little less personable tho.
i drive past a cemetery everyday on the way to work. and i try to remind myself everyday that i am no different than the people whose names are written on those tombstones. one day i will share their fate. my life is roughly � of the way over. life IS passing, and will someday be over. this makes me not care as much about some things and care more about other things. it makes me not take work quite as seriously and is making me think more about whether i want to possibly persue a career in music. i was watching a guy on PBS, dr. diry or something like that, and he told a story about a man who lived his whole life doing what he�d been told. he�d become a bitter man and as he looked at the wife he regretted marrying, he said, what if everything i�ve ever done has been a mistake? and then died. he later said, don�t die with your music still in you, and i felt like he was talking to me. music is the one thing that when i�m doing, i�m ok with time passing by because i feel like i�m doing what i should be doing. i feel more like music than a person sometimes. when i talk about music my face lights up and people would have no idea how depressed i often am. but i�m still thinking on this. this will require some very serious thinking and planning.... but i don�t want a lot of the things that i think drives a lot of people to do the typical higher paying jobs. i don�t want things. i�ve bought like 2 cds since i�ve had this job, and thats the only things i�ve bought for pleasure, other than going out to restaurants. i used to want to have a high paying job because i thought i could do the most good that way. i would have the money to give to people to help them out. and to support a family. but i feel a drive in myself to play music. the best i�ve ever played occurred for about a 2 hr jam session, some of which got recorded. it was in the dorms the last day of school, lots of people were stopping in and out and some were dancing along. i felt like that day was one of the most important days of my life. i felt like that the stuff i was able to get out of me that day was one of my purposes in this life. i know that must sound weird but its really how i felt. and when i go back and listen to it, i still feel that way. when i was in highschool i said, they say the world is at my feet, but i don�t want the world, i just want to play my guitar. i still think i feel that way. playing the guitar has become a problem because of how it hurts my neck but i�m able to play the piano and theres lots of other ways i could live in music as well. i�m not sure what i would do but i�ve just been feeling more lately that i should pay more attention to what it feels like my heart is telling me to do. i think i would rather be a failure and die of poverty than not follow it. my dream is not to meet that special someone and get married and have children. i may end up wanting to do that but thats not what drives me. as hard as it is for me to accept, i feel like its my dream to play music. life isn�t about making it through. what point is that? life is about giving in that special way that you�re able to give. engineering is interesting, pays good, and passes the time better than some jobs i�ve had, but i think i�d feel like my life was a waste if thats all i did. why not do what i want to do?
i�m not about to give up on engineering yet. i�m going to give it my best shot and research music alternatives along the way. who knows, i may end up being driven by it?? but i�m completely open to following where my heart tells me to go. what else is life for anyway?
don�t die with your music still in you, he said.....
9:37 p.m. - 2004-03-21
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
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