things are a little bit better since i wrote last. i got my big presentation behind me and it went fairly well. its nice to gain a little bit of confidence when you do something you�re scared of, no matter what avenue of life its in. i�ve been working more normal hrs lately and have had a little bit of time to think. i�m really struggling with my faith. really struggling. i know i�ve said i�ve been struggling from the beginning of writing this diary, but i am really struggling. its seems that i�m God obsessed. it seems like all that matters to me is getting right with God and i can�t seem to do it. i�m still mad at Him and can�t seem to resolve the conflicts i have with Christianity. if i could do it, (and i guess really i could.....) i would take about 4 �6 months to just try and work out my issues with God. but i�m afraid that i couldn�t work them out. this world is such an imperfect world. filled with imperfect people living imperfect lives, doing the best they can. but what is perfection anyway? why do we/I hold such high standards? i don�t know exactly what my problem is but i wish i didn�t feel so down on myself. maybe i should see a shrink..... but which shrink do you go to and which one should u believe.?
it seems to me that to be happy you need to accept what you are. we are not gods, we are conscious beings trying to live as moral as a life as we can in animals� bodies. if we can�t find joy in those simple human things, it seems to me, that you can�t find joy at all. it feels like i�m striving to be something i�m incapable of being when i try to find meaning and fulfillment through deeper means. i just would hate to have to accept that its beyond my capabilities of understanding.
although there is still purpose in life. helping others, loving others. that is still meaningful regardless. and right now it seems like all i have.
btw.. the job has been going a little bit better, but i�m still not sure if its what i want to do for a long period of time. its nice that its making me a little bit stronger of a person and giving me some money too, in the meantime, while i�m thinking about what to do with my life.
9:52 p.m. - 2004-04-25
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
kenny-loo
bliss-sad
duplicitous
lost-facade
realthoughts
perceptions